Slight crisis…

Soo…I’m writing this from a trauma room at the ER by our house.

My hubby woke me up this morning by not so gracefully falling into our bedroom wall trying to get back into bed. I guess he woke up with a super bad headache…loss of balance…slurring his words…basically just about every sign of a stroke.

We had plans for lunch with family from out of state so he said he’d agree to the ER….but only after our family thing. I won’t lie…I was furious. If something was that seriously wrong with me…and it was ME that said no…he’d just pick my ass up and take me. Obviously with having 2 back surgeries and 2 ankle surgeries…there’s no way I could physically just MAKE him go….but…thankfully with him getting off Viibryd , he’s a lot less manic than even 48 hours ago…so he held up his end of the bargain and we ate and then quickly left. So…about 7 hours later…still at the ER awaiting answers…but at least he’s okay. They know something is wrong…but no idea what.

Well…on the plus side…today’s been fairly good. Aside from having a possible stroke anyway. (Btw….please excuse my lack of appropriate humor…I’m exhausted and waaaayyyy too tired for this much stress right now.)

On the plus side…my days apparently better than the guy in the ER room next door. He’s on a psych hold for saying he’s suicidal and homicidal and he’s pissed they won’t give him neither a sandwich or graham cracker. LOL. Soo…I guess the point is it could always be worse. I could be denied graham crackers for fear of what I may do with them. (Just out of curiosity…how the hell is a graham cracker dangerous?)

Anyways…

Hope you had a better day than I did. 🙂

Here’s some pics from today…

Sisterly Love! Me….Dawn and BJ

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This ones called….”Guess Niccis Mood.”

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Yep….that’s a Trauma room he’s in…

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Feeling better 🙂

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Change of tactic….

So….what was happening wasn’t working….sooo… I changed my way of thinking and dealing with things. And guess what!!! IT WORKED!!!!

My hubby and I just spent 7 hours with ZERO arguments…only giggles….insane laughter and actual conversation. Even went to karaoke with his friends last night… (which btw…ROCKED!)

I’m not ready to give up…because this shows me that I may not see him 100% of the time…but the man I married is in there. And I’m soo happy that I really got to spend time with him.

I missed him soo much…but he’s in there. He may be trapped in a bipolar and usually manic rage mind…but my sweet, gentle husband is in there.

Remember my goal of a genuine smile *refer to yesterday’s post*….I GOT IT!!!! ♡

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Sorta…

Just dropped the hubby off at work. His meds make him sleepy so I prefer to drive him if I can.

On the plus side…we talked. Sorta anyway. But…it’s a step.

I’m gonna make it a goal to figure out what exactly he’s soo angry about…cuz when he’s manic it’s pure hate I get that radiates off him. Do I think he hates me? No. But i think there’s some problems just not addressed building up and so…well….you get the point.

One day at a time.

This pic is from a weekend resort vacation we took to San Diego in April. This is right before the problems started. This is my goal for now. Genuine smiles.

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Sweetheart…this ones for you.

Since speaking doesn’t work at the moment…please just read this.

I admit…my level of anger twords all this is at an all time high.

Lemme correct that…frustration.

Regardless. I have a man I can’t speak to. Literally. I try…I get screamed at…and 90% of the time I instantly shut up and walk away. In the six months we’ve been dealing with your stuff…you have yet to sit down and have a genuine conversation with me. Starting out by saying “what the fuck do you want?” And rolling your eyes because I care enough to actually even still TRY to talk…should thrill you. Instead of walking away as everyone has told me…I’ve tried to stand by you. You have someone who genuinely cares about you and will listen til your hearts content (as long as it’s not being screamed at me and is spoken at least halfway friendly).

Do I? No.

I love you…but regardless of being bipolar…there’s basic rules to marriage. Speak with respect and communication.

I haven’t given up. I’m still here. Waiting.

Remember these?….

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Whoa….I JUST realized something.

This man is who my son sees as his Dad. The Dad he LOVES.

I’ve put soo much effort into trying to think of how to make my marriage better…I didn’t think of what would happen if things weren’t fixable….and my son and I left….what that would do to HIM.

My son and I are gonna have some serious Mommy-Son time tomorrow. I need to know how HE feels before I think about ANYONE else….including myself.

And…thinking further…I think that I honestly…regardless of who started what or why…take responsibility for my actions…and realize that (not meaning this the way it’s gonna sound) I am the only person that can even be labeled as sane when he goes manic…and therefore need to avoid those situations at all costs. Regardless of how I feel…I need to just avoid things for now.

I can’t protect him. I can’t save him. I can only save and control myself.

So…as much as I REALLY wanna snuggle with him and go to bed…I’m gonna give him space and just watch a movie.

I’m always soo concerned with how he feels…and change things I know even have the possibility of upsetting him…but…it really hurts feeling that I don’t have someone concerned with me.

Live and learn.

I’d like to title this simply “FUCK” but….that’d be an understatement.

So…I know in my mind…I’m supposed to always be the bigger person. Let people’s stupidity be their own downfall. Well….I didnt.

Last night…my husband took his meds…and not really thinking about it…had a beer and glass or so of wine. Let’s say things went…badly.

We argued…about what I don’t remember…but he got upset and wanted to take our truck and leave. He was intoxicated to a level that I was scared for him to stay home…let alone drive. He took my keys…house and truck…when I refused to let him drive like that.  He said he just wanted a soda. So as a compromise I said…ok…give me the keys…I’ll be silent…and take you wherever. Again…ended badly.

Sorry for leaving out the main parts…but honestly it ended badly. Very badly. Let’s leave it at that for now.

So yeah…do or die…it’s time to make that call.

Either him and I both suck up the hurt feelings and move on in a direction that’ll be good for us both…or…well…nothing.