Excitement like a kid on Christmas morning….

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Good Morning all!

I awoke to a beautiful realization.

My husband…he’s himself. He’s happy…smiling…laughing…giggling at kittens attacking his feet. He’s ok. God I missed him. I’m trying not to cry as I write this but I am soo excited to have him back.

Damn it. I started with the tears.

It’s like your very best friend come back after being gone forever with minimal contact. It’s an amazing feeling. Truly…the best feeling ever. Reading his blog entry today took my breathe away because I KNEW it was him.

See…I told everyone he wasn’t gone forever!

That 5 minutes to read his blog entry just made my day…possibly my month.

Man…I love that man like nothing else on earth.

So today…although I feel like crap…is a day I wouldn’t trade anything for.

I love you sweetheart.

As we say:

Me: You’re my favorite.

Him: You’re my only.

Me: You’re my always.

Him: You’re my forever.

2014…

2014 was one of my craziest years yet.

I learned a lot about myself and my strength as a daughter… Daughter in Law… person …Mom …StepMom… and Wife.

I learned that some of the people I cared about the most weren’t worthy of my love and friendship. And on the flip side…I also had a couple surprises when I saw someone do a 180 degree turn and actually began to take care of their responsibilities and stand up for what they thought was right. I was completely shocked…and incredibly proud that they didn’t follow their usual trend and cave under pressure.

I am completely extatic that Steven and I agree completely on what we want for Michael and have been doing great at coparenting and putting our personal feelings aside for our son.

Back to the original subject…

I think above all in 2014…learning that I can’t control everything has been hardest. Or rather…I guess the correct phrasing is that I can’t protect everyone I love from everything. Sometimes things happen and there’s no reason…and no one to blame. It just…happens.

Right after Heath and I got married…I found out I have an autoimmune disorder. I should have figured. Nothing in my life is simple. The particular one i have causes Meningitis, Pneumonia and severe sinus problems. Its something i have to be aware of at all times. I get sick quickly and badly. Ive literally almost died more times than i can count. I have the best Drs you could ever even dream of…and even to them…its confusing. To give an example…one day i was fine and having lunch with my Mom. That night i felt a little off. The next morning…i was in the hospital with a Pulmonologist having me sign to intubate me and put me on a breathing machine because he disnt know how much longer i could breathe on my own. 12 days later…i got to go home…but had to have oxygen at home for another 2 months. It was right after that when we learned Heath is bipolar.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had to deal with someone daily that has bipolar disorder…but let’s just say…IT’S HARD.

In the beginning I could talk to him about anything and everything and he’d still be smiling and snuggly. Most days now…I have to have him take his anxiety meds just to go grocery shopping. It’s hard because i get soo afraid of his flare ups that I tend to keep to myself and not say much to him….which in turn makes him think I don’t care about him or love him for that matter…when in reality I want nothing more than to sit with him and snuggle while pouring my heart out…and having him talk to me. With me going through such difficult medical problems and now him having problems of his own…I just wish I could really do more to help him get through this. And now…I’m facing something that could forever change my life…and I’m having to do it alone because I know it’s too much for him to deal with and not something I want to burden my friends and family with.

I know most of my friends and family have no idea most of this is going on. Please don’t feel offended if I haven’t personally spoken to you about these things. I was hoping to get most of this resolved before anyone found out. I just hate feeling like I’m being deceitful….so…for all the people asking questions…there’s your answers.

As for family…

It’s still hard dealing with the loss of my sister. I always meant to take more time to spend with her. I miss her. It wasn’t until recently that I realized she was more like me than I thought. Her personality was goofy…loving…hard and soft at the same time. I can still remember her telling me during some hard times to “suck it up and move on.” Strangely…those words echoed in my mind while planning her funeral. I realized it was more important I take her place and be there for my Mom and siblings and especially Cins daughter Jesse. It was hard. But i did it.

2014 brought me closer to my sister BJ…that I can’t even describe how happy it makes me. I missed her.

2014 taught me that although mink eyelashes are beautiful…they are a serious pain in the ass. Having to lay still for an hour while they glue individual eyelashes on is really annoying…especially at $45 a session and having to do them every 2 weeks.

2014 reminded me that no ones perfect. Accidents happen…no matter how careful you are.

2014 gave me the will to keep fighting for what I want…and the courage to stop fighting for things I don’t want.

2014 changed my life in lots of ways. Good and bad. But…even though it was hard…it was worth it.

Our munchkins. My son Michael…and Heaths kids Jon, Jesika and Steven (triplets) and the youngest Sebastian aka Bam.

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Our wedding…

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Weekly infusions for my immune deficiency…

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Faith…

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Blonde to a chocolate cherry kinda color. Never did THAT before!…

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Became a Crockett…

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Went some cool places…

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Moved into our new house…

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More cool places…

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As you can see….lots of things changed. One thing I will always be sure of…in the Crockett household…you never know what will be next. ♡

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Silence.

A lot of my posts lately have been more of the negative portions of having a bipolar spouse….so I thought I’d make one a little more positive. As much as possible at least.

When his meds are working, and he’s himself again…he loves me like the day I met him. It’s like he misses me just as much as I miss him when he’s in his manic episodes. When he’s himself again…I see the love and devotion in his eyes that I’ve missed for soo much of the last 6-7 months. It’s like an old friend you rarely see. It’s great to see him smile. 🙂

One part I’ve never really touched on is how his family deals with it.

Up until recently…I had been keeping his parents up to date with everything. I’d call them after every psychologist appointment to let them know how it went. A couple weeks back…We Got into an argument and I needed advice from someone who knew him well…so I called his parents. Right after I hung up with them…he got pissed at me so he walked into the bedroom with me (even though we have a giant house he could have gone anywhere in) and proceeded to call and tell his Dad that…well…to summarize…he gave his Dad a completely different version just to piss me off. At that point…1…I was pissed he was doing this in front of me especially since I had gone in the bedroom to avoid him….and 2…he was being less than truthful. I was furious. Against my better judgement, not able to contain my anger…I yelled at him and his parents heard me. I take responsibility for it being a not so great choice. I know I should have stayed silent. I am fully aware he was trying to get to me…and sadly…I let him.

Since then…his parents and I haven’t really talked. He gets mad when I refuse to call them…but it’s not like I don’t WANT to. But from the brief contact I have had with them somehow this turned into something that must be my fault. That I egg him on or something. That’s soo far from the truth it’s laughable. But…I avoid conflict at all costs. Soo…I gave up trying to explain to them what was happening. His Dad made the comment about “marital problems.” Im not worried about marital problems. I’m afraid of a vindictive, mentally unbalanced suicidal husband who when he’s manic…literally does anything he can think of to hurt me…as an example…putting a handful of 2 different in his mouth. I don’t give a fuck about what this is doing to my marriage. I promised to be there always…and i will. I do however care that I obviously can’t stop him when he’s manic…and when he’s manic it goes from good to dangerous in seconds.

We are actually at his psych appointment now. He’s had some bad side effects so the dr insisted on seeing him today so I picked him up from work. These are the things I’d want his family to know. But… Because what he says varies from what I say…i don’t think they want to hear from me. Heath got mad when I said I didn’t want to call them…so I tried to explain my reason for not calling is because I don’t think they want to hear from me. I’ll talk if they call me…but I don’t want to make anything worse. I think that one incident made more of an impact than I can fix in the near future. I only called that night because things were going badly and I needed help. Well…now to them it looks like that night was going badly because of something I did. What I had done was step between him and our SUV because he was intoxicated. He had taken his meds and even though he only drank the equivalent of 2 drinks…with his meds he was not okay to drive. So…caring enough to save him…I screwed myself over. That incident got wayyy out of hand after the phone call to his parents. I would have preferred that incident never happened. I know he didn’t know the alcohol would effect him like that. But never will I stand by and let him get hurt if I can prevent it.

The next morning…he understood what happened and why I stopped him. Sadly…it doesn’t matter. I know that because only I see him this way…so no one knows what really happens. I’d prefer he at least still talk to his parents…and I don’t want to confuse them by saying something completely different than what he says…

So…once again…I stay silent.

The tattoos in this picture are the ones Heath and I got right after we got together. In Konji…it means “Faith in each other” or “Faith in others.” So I guess that’s what I do now. Have faith that in the end…it’ll all be okay.

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Grrrr.

Soo…

I’m just gonna sum today up as fucked from 1am on.

I ask for opinions from my friends I’ve known the longest…or my Mom. Their opinions are are all the same. Take Michael and leave. I find it ironic that I’m looking for someone to tell me all the current bullshit will be worth it in the end…but they all say to just leave. I don’t understand. I’m looking for help to keep us together….not the easy road that’ll let me out. Marriage is never going to be easy…THAT I understand. But giving up without a fight? That I’d never do.

So…as you could guess…today’s a bad day. I think it hurts even more because the last few days have been great.

I’ve run into a situation where one kid gives one story…the other gives a reasonable explanation. Kid A…lied to me and told Heath something different. Kid B…has a history of lying but never changed his story. I love them both…but this situation is tearing my family to pieces. It’s a topic I can’t ignore…but without certainty…how do I know who’s lying?

Day by day…

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Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day. Greeeeaaaat. *sigh*

Considering this is the first Valentines Day with my husband….I should be thrilled. I’m not. Not in the slightest. I’m scared.

Every single holiday over the last year or so has gone wrong. Like….insanely wrong. I’ve learned that the stress and tension surrounding holidays sets off manic episodes and therefore….to avoid fights that get out of control really quickly…I have to avoid them at all costs.

I remember what Valentines Day used to mean to me. Every year my Dad would buy me and my Mom chocolates…stuffed animals…jewelry…whatever. I always got a card from my Dad. Always. Up until now…those same things I used to be things I’d do for Michael. I used to buy him mini versions of what I got his Father. He loved it. The very last one I gave him and Steven (Michaels biological father) Michael still sleeps with.

It’s hard because even though I WANT to do all those crazy sweet things for my husband…I never know if things will end badly. Things that are too stressful…just go soo bad so quick. I’d rather forget all holidays ever existed than to have even one more fight over nothing. Most of the time our fights don’t even make sense. He gets upset because…and rarely if ever do I understand the root cause.

Considering our last argument ended with a court date…I’m really…REALLY…not interested.

On the plus side…he’s much closer to being himself than he has been in years. Maybe one day we’ll be okay enough to start traditional celebrations again…but for today…no. I got a migraine just thinking of Valentine’s Day. The majority of things have been good lately. I’d like to keep it that way. I’m at my breaking point. Actually probably past it…but I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and hang on. Anyone with a bipolar spouse probably has been in my spot at one time or another.

One day at a time.

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Frustration at its worse…

So…

To catch things up…I’ll summarize the past week or so.

Heaths new meds have made things a lot better. We can talk…play…just laugh and have fun. He still gets overly sensitive about some things…but mostly things are good.

One thing that has my attention at the moment is that he’s become very vindictive in the last few months. If he gets angry at me…but can’t take it out on me…he’ll over-react at the slightest thing my kid does and go after him like an attack dog…bullying him into submission. There’s been a couple instances I returned home and instantly got furious when I saw or heard what was happening. I tried to bring it up the other day but he insists he’d never do that. Well…I’m not sure what he thinks he’s doing…but it’s bullying no matter how you look at it. I asked him to please not punish Michael until I was there. Let’s just say he took huge offense to that. BUT…I’d prefer a pissed off husband than a single scratch on my kid. Before anything else…it’s my job to protect my kid.

Well…I’ll be going to bed alone tonight. Heaths mad at me because I spoke to the kids after he did when he was telling them what they’d done wrong so I guess that’s reason enough to not speak respectfully about your wife.

Sorry for the rant…I’m just insanely frustrated at the moment.

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Irrationality…and the costs.

Let me start this by saying I love my husband. No medical diagnosis is going to change that.

Better days…

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On the otherhand…it does make everyday tasks hard. Sometimes impossible.

Soo…today went great. Then he wanted to take me on a mini shopping spree followed by dinner at one of those sushi places that cook at your table kinda putting on a show while the chefs cooking. Anyway…1…I don’t like seafood….so I wanted somewhere that would have other choices too. Not to mention the one he mentioned named Ninja, is in Mesa…so it’s pretty far.  So…since by this point…plans weren’t definite…I started looking into other restaurants closer that had the same types of food and since I asked a couple weeks ago we made the agreement that EVERY Sunday we do something for at least a couple hours just him & I. So…here’s where I fucked up.

For Sunday…I was thinking we could go get pedicure…message…go see a movie and either do lunch or dinner depending on whichever we could fit in. I really thought I planned a day he’d love. That would also allow time to find another restaurant closer to where we live.

Well….

I guess he took my request to do it on Sunday (now today) as some sort of way of me backing out and just not wanting to go with him.

I tried to explain why…but by that time he was getting manic…so nothing else mattered.

The night ended with him dropping me off at our house and him disappearing in our truck for r so hours.

I think it’s safe to assume that my plans for him and I won’t happen. Not today at least.

Now that he’s slept off most of his anger…I wonder if he realizes how irrational that was. Kill an entire weekend and treat your wife like she means nothing…because dinner wasn’t as he had wanted? Had he been level headed…and realized dinner being moved wasn’t going to hurt anything…maybe he would have had even more fun today.

It’s getting harder and harder for me. I feel like I’m drowning. Like I have a million people around yet am completely alone. I know my rational, amazingly sweet husband is in there…but I get only glimpses  of him. When it’s not him…he’s replaced by a guy that makes me nervous, scared, angry…but most of all….alone. Is it weird I talk like he’s 2 separate people? One loves me. The other I guess can barely stand me.

Fantastic.

What’s weirder…is that even though I get only glimpses of him…it’s enough to make me stay. A 5 minute glimpse of my husband is worth the other 23 hrs 55 mins.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’ve gotta be made of steel by now.

This pic was taken right before we left to go shopping.

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This one after. I think this pic bothers me soo much because I can see the hurt in my own eyes.

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