2014…

2014 was one of my craziest years yet.

I learned a lot about myself and my strength as a daughter… Daughter in Law… person …Mom …StepMom… and Wife.

I learned that some of the people I cared about the most weren’t worthy of my love and friendship. And on the flip side…I also had a couple surprises when I saw someone do a 180 degree turn and actually began to take care of their responsibilities and stand up for what they thought was right. I was completely shocked…and incredibly proud that they didn’t follow their usual trend and cave under pressure.

I am completely extatic that Steven and I agree completely on what we want for Michael and have been doing great at coparenting and putting our personal feelings aside for our son.

Back to the original subject…

I think above all in 2014…learning that I can’t control everything has been hardest. Or rather…I guess the correct phrasing is that I can’t protect everyone I love from everything. Sometimes things happen and there’s no reason…and no one to blame. It just…happens.

Right after Heath and I got married…I found out I have an autoimmune disorder. I should have figured. Nothing in my life is simple. The particular one i have causes Meningitis, Pneumonia and severe sinus problems. Its something i have to be aware of at all times. I get sick quickly and badly. Ive literally almost died more times than i can count. I have the best Drs you could ever even dream of…and even to them…its confusing. To give an example…one day i was fine and having lunch with my Mom. That night i felt a little off. The next morning…i was in the hospital with a Pulmonologist having me sign to intubate me and put me on a breathing machine because he disnt know how much longer i could breathe on my own. 12 days later…i got to go home…but had to have oxygen at home for another 2 months. It was right after that when we learned Heath is bipolar.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had to deal with someone daily that has bipolar disorder…but let’s just say…IT’S HARD.

In the beginning I could talk to him about anything and everything and he’d still be smiling and snuggly. Most days now…I have to have him take his anxiety meds just to go grocery shopping. It’s hard because i get soo afraid of his flare ups that I tend to keep to myself and not say much to him….which in turn makes him think I don’t care about him or love him for that matter…when in reality I want nothing more than to sit with him and snuggle while pouring my heart out…and having him talk to me. With me going through such difficult medical problems and now him having problems of his own…I just wish I could really do more to help him get through this. And now…I’m facing something that could forever change my life…and I’m having to do it alone because I know it’s too much for him to deal with and not something I want to burden my friends and family with.

I know most of my friends and family have no idea most of this is going on. Please don’t feel offended if I haven’t personally spoken to you about these things. I was hoping to get most of this resolved before anyone found out. I just hate feeling like I’m being deceitful….so…for all the people asking questions…there’s your answers.

As for family…

It’s still hard dealing with the loss of my sister. I always meant to take more time to spend with her. I miss her. It wasn’t until recently that I realized she was more like me than I thought. Her personality was goofy…loving…hard and soft at the same time. I can still remember her telling me during some hard times to “suck it up and move on.” Strangely…those words echoed in my mind while planning her funeral. I realized it was more important I take her place and be there for my Mom and siblings and especially Cins daughter Jesse. It was hard. But i did it.

2014 brought me closer to my sister BJ…that I can’t even describe how happy it makes me. I missed her.

2014 taught me that although mink eyelashes are beautiful…they are a serious pain in the ass. Having to lay still for an hour while they glue individual eyelashes on is really annoying…especially at $45 a session and having to do them every 2 weeks.

2014 reminded me that no ones perfect. Accidents happen…no matter how careful you are.

2014 gave me the will to keep fighting for what I want…and the courage to stop fighting for things I don’t want.

2014 changed my life in lots of ways. Good and bad. But…even though it was hard…it was worth it.

Our munchkins. My son Michael…and Heaths kids Jon, Jesika and Steven (triplets) and the youngest Sebastian aka Bam.