Today’s one of those days where everything seems soo overwhelming. Just being here…alone…is too much.

Im learning that not being able to really talk about how I’m feeling is breaking me piece by piece. No one actually knows whats going on. Ive been fighting soo hard to protect him, i forgot to protect me too. My fear is after its all said and done…the pieces won’t be able to be put back.

I guess time will tell.

Soo little time….soo many changes.

What the future holds…or doesn’t….

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Sorry I’ve been MIA again. This last bout with pneumonia and meningitis…was one of the worse yet. I had to be treated for viral, bacterial and fungal meningitis.

Where I’m stuck…is if Heath and I do have a baby…then what? I almost feel like its selfish to consider having a child that I can’t guarantee at least the next 25 years to. A baby is what I want most. Its the dream I can’t just overlook. Every moment of every day…its always weighing on my mind.  According to the new tests…having a baby with the PCOS shouldn’t be too difficult with the right meds. Then again the difficulties of living and getting pregnant with PCOS are hugely misunderstood. I guess only time will tell.

Back to a more positive subject…the Hubby’s doing much better. He’s now on the max dose of lithium and 30mg of paxil plus xanax up to 1mg 3xs a day. The xanax he usually skills but the rest on time daily. He’s mellowed out.

How that he’s himself again…I gotta try and fix a situation. When he was manic a few weeks ago, he was mad at me and so he call the police and tried to have me arrested for domestic violence, even though he had not even a single scratch on him, meanwhile I had a broken wrist. The police didn’t believe his story, and he was still slurring his words and clearly intoxicated so I seriously doubt they’re even going to try and prosecute me, but that night we both got reports filed against us. So, my task for this coming week is to find out who has each one of the reports, and get them dropped before they get to the DA’s office. His psychiatrist knows about what happened, considering we were in his office just the day before for a med change for him. Hopefully I can get this all to go away but, these days you never know. At this point all I care about is that he is doing better, his meds are working, and he is starting to act more and more like himself each day. I just want my best friend back, the guy that I fell in love with, the man that even after having a total of 5 children between the two of us, I want to have a baby with. I know that my husband is in there somewhere, I get to see him now and then… I just wish it was more often. I miss him.

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