This coming weekend marks my 1 year Wedding Anniversary.
I keep going back and forth trying to find a word that could sum up how the last 12 months have been…and even though I’m fairly intelligent I find myself at a loss for a single word. I keep coming up with words like dedication, confusion, sadness, worry, regret, fear, loneliness, more confusion, and strangely the word love trumps them all.
My love for my husband goes above and beyond anything I’ve ever felt. My dedication to keeping all the bad times under wraps when his manic episodes started coming, and kept coming, made me put his safety above my own.
We were engaged for over a year when one night we got into an argument because of his possessiveness and trying to push my sons father out of the picture. It all boiled down to basically he thought that I put my sons father above him. It makes sense, now knowing he’s bipolar, that every guy I was close to he pushed away. Somehow my bright idea to show my level of dedication was to end our fight at 1 am on Thursday by saying “Let’s go to Vegas and get married this weekend.” Don’t get me wrong….I always planned marrying him….just not in Vegas, 72 hours after choosing a date.
Let me start by saying I don’t regret marrying him. I just wish I would have given it more thought and looked at the timing.
We got married May 3, 2014…
In May I was diagnosed with a rare immune deficiency. It was a blessing to have the diagnosis but a curse knowing what it meant for my future. Weekly injections of an INSANELY expensive medication (currently $15,000/week)…and to top it off, it comes with huge risks and makes me sick for 2 days after every injection. At least it explains why I get sick soo often and why normal things like pneumonia turn life or death for me just a few hours after onset. That’s actually one of the things that hurts most…when he knows my chronic daily headaches go crazy and my Drs tell me to go to the ER….but with the exception of my last visit to the hospital a couple days ago….he usually fights me on everything. He’s made me feel like a burden to him…and if he does go to the hospital…let’s just say he’s not very nice. Since his last med change he’s a lot better…but I can still hear it in his voice that he was annoyed with me, but, at least he went.
It’s strange talking about my husband when 1/2 of him is the sweetest guy I ever met…..like…EVER and the other times I think he hates me. I know he doesn’t mean what he’s saying, and almost never remembers it The next day. Problem is….I do.
I think instead of looking back….I’m going to look forward. The past can’t be changed…but the future, that’s what matters most. I refuse to give up now or ever. What matters most is I’m happy with my choice. I married the man of my dreams. Through sickness and health…I promised to be there. I believe in keeping promises. Most importantly, I plan on keeping HIM.
You’re my Always.
You’re my Forever.
You’re my everything.
You’re my only.