I’m starting to feel lost again.
A several months ago, when the bipolar outbursts lessened, and the hubby started feeling and acting more like himself, I thought for sure things were getting better. That the hardest times were behind us. I’m not so sure of that anymore.
A few months ago, when the loneliness started again, I turned to dog rescuing, which turned into something I could never have imagined. Working with a dog rescue, and saving a dogs life, seems to fill the giant void that being the sole person in my marriage has left. Sleeping next to a man that I feel hates me half the time, is a feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. But being tackled in that same bed by snuggly little balls of fur, is…just amazing. Its crazy what snuggling with a puppy can do. It really makes things not hurt so much.
Some days I have to take Xanax just to be around him, or function as a person. I’m always soo afraid of doing or saying something wrong which will cause a fight, that as so many times in the past, turns into something that is way bigger than the issue to begin with. Sometimes I’m not even sure what the argument is about.
I know that tuning him out and avoiding speaking to him doesn’t actually help anything or anyone, I just don’t like the conflict.
Most of the time our arguments are over things like how he has to work and then come home to make dinner, therefore I must not appreciate the things he does for our family.
In reality, I’m on SSDI because I CANT physically be standing (or sitting) that long. Its not a choice. Its something I have no control over. Hence why SSDI approved my case to begin with. The thought that my own husband doesn’t see the immense pain it causes me when I do take it upon myself to do extra housework or dinner or whatever, hurts even more. A few days ago when he had to take me to the ER (per my Drs orders and also Urgent Cares orders), he got mad at me and was a complete jerk the whole time. To know my husband is annoyed with me because I have physical illnesses I cant control, hurts more than Id like to admit. Somedays I wonder if he would be better off if I just left.
So, that’s where things stand with him and I. Not really talking. Not really communicating. Me feeling like a failure as a wife, and my husband, well, I’m not sure what to say about him. I’ve been trying not to annoy him any further so for now I feel like I’m on my own. Again.
To end this, I want to make it clear I don’t blame him.
For whatever reason, since his meds have mellowed him out, he always thinks no matter what I say, I’m upset with him and attacking him. So he fights back…even though I wasn’t fighting to begin with. If that make sense.
I’m not sure why he always thinks I’m upset with him, but I hope one day he believes me when I say that I love him more than anything. Until then, I guess I go back to waiting.
As unfortunate as the entire situation is, I’m actually very thankful that it got me involved with a rescue that I LOVE. I think those puppies save me just as much as I save them.