Where am I you ask? On Vacation…in the hospital.

When my husband first brought up the idea to spend the kids winter break in Oregon…I was thrilled. Once I really thought about it, I started to worry what would happen if he went manic or depressed. His norm is to get loud and more often than not, he makes remarks about me or yells at me in front of the kids. That’s by far the most hurtful button he can push. His manic episodes were getting better and his pleas to “just give him a chance to prove it’ll be okay” made me go against my better judgement and agree to give it a shot. Well…I agreed and here we are in Oregon. I LOVE it. Rainy, cold, and just beautiful. The exact type of place I always wanted to raise my kids in.

Here’s where the problem began. As soon as we got here, I spiked a fever and started throwing up. Hubby had to take me to the ER. After several rounds of pain and nausea meds plus antibiotics…the Drs were still not okay with me leaving and said because they couldn’t find the source of the fever…it’d be life threatening if I left and I’d have to sign out AMA. Since the hubby was already pissed I was at the ER all day, I decided to go against my better judgement and sign myself out…but the Drs made me swear multiple times I’d come back if the fever was over 100.4 or if anything got worse. Next morning, fever of 103 and couldn’t breathe. Back to the ER I went.

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I was in the hospital just about 72 hrs. During that time….no calls from my hubby. It felt like he didn’t want me there to spend time with him…and the longest he ever stayed was about a couple hours while we played cards with the kids. I’ve never felt soo alone. Speaking to him, he made a comment on how much you can influence your body with “mind over matter.” In certain instances…yes….I think it’s true. However double pneumonia isn’t something I’d consider something controllable by mind.

Everyday there in the hospital made me feel more alone. Every morning when the Drs wanted to speak to my husband…all I could say was that maybe he’d be there later. Each day I tried to get them to let me leave…but it never worked. One Dr asked me if I understood their reasoning and I said I figured they were waiting for the fever to drop. He then asked how to get ahold of anyone who I trusted to make medical choices for me…they tried my husband but cell coverage there wasn’t great…so they told me things weren’t going in a great direction and asked besides my husband…who knew me well enough to make decisions medically for me. Considering that I couldn’t get ahold of the hubby, and plus he had a lot of stress going on anyways, my family in AZ I didn’t wanna worry because they were dealing with an emergency with my Mom…so I chose Lyndsay (my pain management Dr who’s more like a friend) & Julie (my Immunologist who’s also become a friend ).

It wasn’t all that day till I realized exactly how sick I was. From the beginning, they had me on 2mg of Dilaudid every 2 hours…just to keep me there and comfortable.

So…after several consultations with my drs at home, then finally agreed to let me out with 1 day to sightsee before heading back. They had me on 4 antibiotics round the clock in the hospital and sent me home on 5 days of Levaquin ( which thankfully the hospital paid for because my insurance wouldn’t cover the Pharmacy up there) and now that I just ended the levaquin, my doctor started me on two weeks of augmentin because even now the pneumonia still is not clear.

All in all, I’m glad I decided to go with my husband and kids the Oregon does his family. Granted, health wise it was a really stupid move, but I think my husband needed that trip.

Some of my favorite pics I took of the changing scenery:

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The kiddos…
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My favorite of the hubby and I…the day we headed back.
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Reality check…

Let’s be honest…that’s the point, right?

When he gets home…I’ve learned to stay silent until I can gauge his mood. Depending on what I see…ill either walk away and retreat to the bedroom where I stay because it’s my safe place…or at least a place the kids don’t always here the amazingly awful things he says to me.
Some examples…

Quit being a bitch. I just worked all week and now at 11am on a Saturday you want help cleaning? This fight turned crazy. We JUST got around to fixing the hole he punched through the wall that day.

I’m not sure how this started…but basically he got mad and because I planned on working for Uber and LYFT that night…so he wanted to leave just so I couldn’t. He was too drugged and slurring his words one night after he took his meds…he got mad at me because after fighting with him, I had to hide his keys to keep him from leaving. Well…it ended with him threatening me in several ways…but the most hurtful was what he said to my son (RIGHT before a custody hearing with my sons Dad no less)(who at this point was ignoring him, but sitting behind me on the floor because the hubby was on a rampage screaming things like “Did you know she’s gonna take you from your Dad and you’re never going to see him again?” Thankfully my son sat where nothing but the hubby’s words could get to him…and I had previously told my son what to do if he hears his dad get angry…to put his shoes on and be ready to go. Thankfully I had also implemented a rule that no matter what, my son and I don’t lie to each other…so he knew what Heath was saying was BS.

Or how about when he told me to leave…and because he gets suicidal I wouldn’t…so he woke my kid up at 1am telling him to pack his stuff because he was moving out? That’s always a great argument to bring a child into.

My examples could go on and on.
I just want the man I married back. Where is he? I know he’s inside there somewhere…but is he,willing to fight to gain back control?
He wants me to go to Oregon in a few weeks to visit his family…and I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m lost within my own mind…too scared to speak…too angry to listen.

I’m falling…and the cliffs are too high.
How’d I get here?
***This isn’t meant to bash anyone. This is just something I can’t hide from any longer. He’s not a bad guy…and I’m by no means a saint. I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and all I want is to love him…and feel like he loves me too. I’m just soo…soo very lost. I just wanna see the sparkle in his eyes again. I’m losing him, each new day another piece is gone…of him and I both. It’s time to put the puzzle back together.