Reality check…

Let’s be honest…that’s the point, right?

When he gets home…I’ve learned to stay silent until I can gauge his mood. Depending on what I see…ill either walk away and retreat to the bedroom where I stay because it’s my safe place…or at least a place the kids don’t always here the amazingly awful things he says to me.
Some examples…

Quit being a bitch. I just worked all week and now at 11am on a Saturday you want help cleaning? This fight turned crazy. We JUST got around to fixing the hole he punched through the wall that day.

I’m not sure how this started…but basically he got mad and because I planned on working for Uber and LYFT that night…so he wanted to leave just so I couldn’t. He was too drugged and slurring his words one night after he took his meds…he got mad at me because after fighting with him, I had to hide his keys to keep him from leaving. Well…it ended with him threatening me in several ways…but the most hurtful was what he said to my son (RIGHT before a custody hearing with my sons Dad no less)(who at this point was ignoring him, but sitting behind me on the floor because the hubby was on a rampage screaming things like “Did you know she’s gonna take you from your Dad and you’re never going to see him again?” Thankfully my son sat where nothing but the hubby’s words could get to him…and I had previously told my son what to do if he hears his dad get angry…to put his shoes on and be ready to go. Thankfully I had also implemented a rule that no matter what, my son and I don’t lie to each other…so he knew what Heath was saying was BS.

Or how about when he told me to leave…and because he gets suicidal I wouldn’t…so he woke my kid up at 1am telling him to pack his stuff because he was moving out? That’s always a great argument to bring a child into.

My examples could go on and on.
I just want the man I married back. Where is he? I know he’s inside there somewhere…but is he,willing to fight to gain back control?
He wants me to go to Oregon in a few weeks to visit his family…and I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m lost within my own mind…too scared to speak…too angry to listen.

I’m falling…and the cliffs are too high.
How’d I get here?
***This isn’t meant to bash anyone. This is just something I can’t hide from any longer. He’s not a bad guy…and I’m by no means a saint. I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and all I want is to love him…and feel like he loves me too. I’m just soo…soo very lost. I just wanna see the sparkle in his eyes again. I’m losing him, each new day another piece is gone…of him and I both. It’s time to put the puzzle back together.


3 thoughts on “Reality check…

  1. So, no matter how much I apologize for things I’ve said in the past…. Still going to throw it in my face? Oh, but you want me to not be upset about things you’ve done/said in the past? But you can? WTF? But I’m wrong for being upset that you said unnecessary negative things about my kids just last night when we we talking about your son and I was only saying I was concerned that he was missing too much school. How the hell does that have anything to do with my kids? But you had to say something negative about them. What was the point of that other than to start a fight? And when I called you out on it you go to your safe place. Ran to the bedroom. But I’m the jerk. I was upset for no reason in your mind. How about start with your actions. What you say about me and my kids. You’re always negative and I’ve get enough of that from my boss. I don’t need it when I get home.


    • nicciray223 says:

      Babe…here’s what I said.

      You: Michael stayed home today?

      Me: yeah, I think he caught strap like the other kids and he was running a fever. I have him on antibiotics however since he still had a fever, I kept him home.

      You: but what about missing so many days of school? Because now that he’s in eighth grade that can be truancy or he could fail.

      Me: well, he’s only had about three days for the entire year so I think it’s fine. The triplets missed way more than that and they were OK so I think were fine. Plus I’ll get a doctors note so though be excused.

      You: *As you gave me a nasty look…you then follow it up by*: “What the fuck to the triplets have to do this? Why do you need to be so negative and bring them into this?”

      Me: I was just meaning that in order to lose credits he would have to miss a lot more days, the triplets missed a lot last year and they still passed so I didn’t think the three days Michael is sick would hurt anything.

      You: What the fuck ever. You should’ve not even mentioned them.

      Even once I tried to explain that I did not mean to maliciously and then it was innocent comment you still proceeded to get angry, and refused to talk to me.

      Literally sweetheart, my only point and all of that was that him missing three days for being sick was fine. If it hurt your feelings I’m sorry, but even if it was comparing the triplets to Michael, I am one of their parents too, last time I checked I’m allowed to make remarks about one child as compared to the other especially when it’s an innocent comment not meant to hurt anything. But, again, we are now arguing over something that is a moot point. These are the types of situations where I tell you to pick and choose your battles, it is this really worth arguing over?


      • I never said anything about truancy. Also, I said I was just concerned that it could hurt his grades and if….if….he missed too much school he could flunk. I just wanted to make sure that he was OK. You could have just said he hasn’t missed enough this year to be in danger of flunking school. No. You had to say that the triplets did so much worse last year than Michael is. I found it rude and unnecessary. I get that the triplets missed a lot of school and I get pissed off about that too. But, I don’t say hey the triplets are doing this but, whoa boy, at least they aren’t doing what Michael did. That was so much worse. It’s just unnecessary is all I’m saying.


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