Alone…could it be any worse?

I’m in the hospital once again….alone.

 

Heath doesn’t get it. He’s so stuck on how everyone owes him respect and should thank him repetively for going to work and me staying home. I’m in SSDI…meaning I’m paid fairly well for not being able to work. Plus the child support and other Money I bring in on my own. He acts like just because he’s has a hard day…no one else can either.

He demands respect or the screaming starts because “no one listens.”

 

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I get my Christmas wish, sorta

Last year, after everything spectacularly bombed at every holiday imaginable, I was wishing that some way, some how, every holiday could just be…Cancelled. My first Christmas as a newlywed and it went so wrong that when I showered that night, I just cried. Same thing at Mothers Day, my Birthday, a couple date nights, And even a couple date nights. Most notable was his absence. Whether physical or mental…he was always somewhere else.

I guess his most notable absence was right before Christmas last year. I was admitted into the hospital for the millionth time, but what I found weird is that in the beginning he couldn’t bear to leave me there alone. This night, he came to see me…stayed for a few minutes and got angry at me because I was hungry and the cafateria was closed. He didnt have to work the next day…going to a drive through would have only taken a few minutes. What happened next just about broke my heart.

I get a text from him saying “She’s staying at her Moms tonight.”

Who would need to know that and why?!? His WIFE is sick and in the hospital, and hes arranging to meet up with someone?

Immediately I texted him and told him “oops. guess youd look bad if you were cheating on your wife WHILE she’s in the hospital?!? hope you have a good night.”

Needless to say, he told me he was texting a friend and that it was an auto correct. I later found out it was a female “friend” he hadnt seen in while, he also swore he told her that I was in the hospital. My point was that if she cared little enough that his wife, whom he had JUST married, was sick and literally just that night admitted to the hospital, yet she still would be okay with seeing him then? Personally to me (I never got to ask because he deleted all her stuff and refused to speak of her again), I’m guessing that the text I got was her question on, knowing he was married with 5 kids, how it was possible he was going out that night. He told me autocorrect must have screwed up what he said. Riiight. Because that sounds realistic.

Anyways, to shorten this, lets just say that holidays dont usually go so great for me. Not because he tries to sneak off with other people (that I know of) but because with his bipolar episodes and the stress holidays cause…things go from smiles to tears in seconds. I have literally told him I didnt want to celebrate pretty much anything more than anything for the kids.  It took me 3 xanax just to sit and calmly (or semi-calmly) write this.

SO…Earlier in the year he mentioned that he wanted to go to Oregon. Of course, at that point, with things being okay, I said we could plan to go. I apparently didnt think that through. I tried to do the best I could but during this year, we lost a car, our finances are in jeopardy because 1 place is already garnishing wages, another is finalizing papers to do so as well. We arent current on all the bills and yet he still insists we take the vacation to Oregon.

Dont get me wrong, I want, VERY MUCH SO, to see his hometown and get some great pics of the kids etc. I’d love to see Heath smile again…just because. And I think thats the only way how.

I was going to do my best to stay here, and just let him go. BUT, I’m trying not to make things obvious about our marital problems (which I know would be abundantly clear if Michael and I stayed home on a “family” vacation). But…I gotta admit, I’m scared. I’m scared the money we are about to use on a vacation that should be put off, we are going to need…and we wont have it. I hope these 4 days work magic and he’s like him old self…cuz otherwise? We are putting ourselves in jeopardy for nothing.

 

Just…breathe.

 

 

 

Somehow I’ve turned into a mega bitch because I don’t agree with everything he says.

1- We have different parenting styles…and that’s okay. Each child is different and deserves to be treated as an individual…not screamed at, not punished because he may take longer with questions.

2- I don’t deserve to be screamed at no matter how angry you are. It’s unacceptable. If you want love and respect from me…treat me that way.

3- I’m sorry that I got SOO pissed off at you that I said hurtful things. I didn’t mean it and I truly am sorry.

4- No matter how much I say that may push your buttons…its not okay to physically hurt me. Whether your angry or not, putting your hands on me or  ANYONE is not okay. You need to learn to control things in a manor that won’t hurt me, you, the furniture or whatever. The mere fact that you THINK it’s okay says more about you than you think.

I’m willing to work on things…in a safe environment. But these bullshit reasons for you flipping out need to STOP. Be a man and respect your wife and kids to not treat them like they’re disposable. I love you to pieces. Please keep your promises to always be there. I love you. I need you…most importantly I WANT you.