Never saw this coming…

Where to begin?…

Just warning you in advance that I’m likely going to be all over the place with this post mainly because there is just so much going on at one time. I’m going to try and explain but no promises I’ll make sense LOL.

As I sit here and trying to think how to explain this all.. I realize just how much of the last year I tried to hide.

My son and I now have an apartment of Our Own. About a month ago, things got completely out of hand and it was no longer safe for my son and I to live in our house with my husband.

It’s very scary to make a decision that you know is going to impact your life in any and every way possible. It’s very scary to lay everything out on the table and share secrets that terrify you. It’s incredibly hard to admit that because of my choices over the last year my son and I have now developed PTSD. Had I been braver or strong enough to make a decision earlier maybe none of this would have happened…but it’s too late for those kind of thoughts. The damage is already done and there’s nothing that I can say or do that is going to change that.

My 3 year wedding anniversary was May 3rd. My son and I moved into our apartment May 6th. I have not seen or heard from my husband since then…but I’m guessing that is largely because I have an order of protection against him. Because of some of the events I’m about to explain, I was forced to take legal action to keep my husband as far away from my son and I as possible.

I entered my marriage so in love and so confident I was marrying the man I’d always wanted. I’m leaving my marriage with my arm broken in 3 places and my son having the terrifying experience of being choked by my husband.

Yes. You did read that correctly. I was in the hospital one night and came home the next day only to find out that my husband had gotten upset with my son and then slapped him. When my son got upset and scared and asked if it was okay to call me,  my husband’s response was just scream “NO!” and begin to choke him. I came home to marks around my child’s neck. I can’t even explain how it felt to see that someone I let into my life and into my child’s life had harmed him. You bet your ass I called the police! And yes, the police are looking to prosecute.

Having a four-bedroom house and trying to pack everything mostly on my own with one arm in a cast was incredibly difficult. Everything I looked at gave me horrible feelings inside. I literally went through my entire house and either sold or donated the majority of my furniture because I didn’t want those memories following us to our new home. It didn’t matter though. I may not have physical reminders but nothing I do changes how I feel. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel like I’ve made the most horrible decisions and I should have seen this coming and avoided it. I should have left when I first noticed things were getting harder to deal with. I should have left when I realized that my husband could no longer speak to me and instead only screamed at me. Looking back on things I now see so many warning signs that things were headed in a very dangerous direction… but somehow I missed all that. 

How? 

I. Have. No. Clue.

I know there’s nothing I can do to change what’s already happened but I also know that I need to be brave and do everything I can to show my child that him & I are now safe.

Soo…my kid and I have a new apartment that literally no one knows where it is. Things are hard, but that’s okay. We will get thru this.

As for my husband, the Special Victims Unit is charging him with a few things. 

1. For breaking my arm…Felony Aggrevated Assult. 

2. For hitting and then choking my kid…Assault & Disorderly conduct.

3. For knocking my kid out cold on the kitchen floor… I can’t remember the exact charges but I’m sure they are similar to the charges for choking him.

Right after the incident happened with him choking my kid, I took the advice of the detective on the case and got an order of protection barring him from any sort of contact with me, my kid, or my mom for at least one year. When he received notice of the order of protection, he immediately objected. In the State of Arizona, if someone objects to an order of protection, you then both have to go and plead your case in front of a judge. The legal requirement is that you have to prove Beyond a Reasonable Doubt that domestic violence did occur. I won my case.
Over last year there has been a large amount of his friends and family that think I’m just making everything up. It’s been really difficult to have to defend myself every step of the way but thankfully I have pictures and police reports to back everything I’ve said. I kind of wonder if his friends and family actually believe I made everything up or if they are going along with what he is saying and just trying to be supportive. It’s definitely been damaging to a lot of my relationships and I’ve had to cut a lot of people out of my life.

Even though its cost me a lot both physically & mentally…I am soo thankful my son and I are now safe.

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