Let’s be honest…that’s the point, right?
When he gets home…I’ve learned to stay silent until I can gauge his mood. Depending on what I see…ill either walk away and retreat to the bedroom where I stay because it’s my safe place…or at least a place the kids don’t always here the amazingly awful things he says to me.
Quit being a bitch. I just worked all week and now at 11am on a Saturday you want help cleaning? This fight turned crazy. We JUST got around to fixing the hole he punched through the wall that day.
I’m not sure how this started…but basically he got mad and because I planned on working for Uber and LYFT that night…so he wanted to leave just so I couldn’t. He was too drugged and slurring his words one night after he took his meds…he got mad at me because after fighting with him, I had to hide his keys to keep him from leaving. Well…it ended with him threatening me in several ways…but the most hurtful was what he said to my son (RIGHT before a custody hearing with my sons Dad no less)(who at this point was ignoring him, but sitting behind me on the floor because the hubby was on a rampage screaming things like “Did you know she’s gonna take you from your Dad and you’re never going to see him again?” Thankfully my son sat where nothing but the hubby’s words could get to him…and I had previously told my son what to do if he hears his dad get angry…to put his shoes on and be ready to go. Thankfully I had also implemented a rule that no matter what, my son and I don’t lie to each other…so he knew what Heath was saying was BS.
Or how about when he told me to leave…and because he gets suicidal I wouldn’t…so he woke my kid up at 1am telling him to pack his stuff because he was moving out? That’s always a great argument to bring a child into.
My examples could go on and on.
I just want the man I married back. Where is he? I know he’s inside there somewhere…but is he,willing to fight to gain back control?
He wants me to go to Oregon in a few weeks to visit his family…and I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m lost within my own mind…too scared to speak…too angry to listen.
I’m falling…and the cliffs are too high.
How’d I get here?
***This isn’t meant to bash anyone. This is just something I can’t hide from any longer. He’s not a bad guy…and I’m by no means a saint. I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and all I want is to love him…and feel like he loves me too. I’m just soo…soo very lost. I just wanna see the sparkle in his eyes again. I’m losing him, each new day another piece is gone…of him and I both. It’s time to put the puzzle back together.