Reality check…

Let’s be honest…that’s the point, right?

When he gets home…I’ve learned to stay silent until I can gauge his mood. Depending on what I see…ill either walk away and retreat to the bedroom where I stay because it’s my safe place…or at least a place the kids don’t always here the amazingly awful things he says to me.
Some examples…

Quit being a bitch. I just worked all week and now at 11am on a Saturday you want help cleaning? This fight turned crazy. We JUST got around to fixing the hole he punched through the wall that day.

I’m not sure how this started…but basically he got mad and because I planned on working for Uber and LYFT that night…so he wanted to leave just so I couldn’t. He was too drugged and slurring his words one night after he took his meds…he got mad at me because after fighting with him, I had to hide his keys to keep him from leaving. Well…it ended with him threatening me in several ways…but the most hurtful was what he said to my son (RIGHT before a custody hearing with my sons Dad no less)(who at this point was ignoring him, but sitting behind me on the floor because the hubby was on a rampage screaming things like “Did you know she’s gonna take you from your Dad and you’re never going to see him again?” Thankfully my son sat where nothing but the hubby’s words could get to him…and I had previously told my son what to do if he hears his dad get angry…to put his shoes on and be ready to go. Thankfully I had also implemented a rule that no matter what, my son and I don’t lie to each other…so he knew what Heath was saying was BS.

Or how about when he told me to leave…and because he gets suicidal I wouldn’t…so he woke my kid up at 1am telling him to pack his stuff because he was moving out? That’s always a great argument to bring a child into.

My examples could go on and on.
I just want the man I married back. Where is he? I know he’s inside there somewhere…but is he,willing to fight to gain back control?
He wants me to go to Oregon in a few weeks to visit his family…and I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m lost within my own mind…too scared to speak…too angry to listen.

I’m falling…and the cliffs are too high.
How’d I get here?
***This isn’t meant to bash anyone. This is just something I can’t hide from any longer. He’s not a bad guy…and I’m by no means a saint. I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and all I want is to love him…and feel like he loves me too. I’m just soo…soo very lost. I just wanna see the sparkle in his eyes again. I’m losing him, each new day another piece is gone…of him and I both. It’s time to put the puzzle back together.

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Silence…

This may be more of a rambling chain of thoughts than an actual post.

I can’t tell you how often I’m silenced…mainly because its just soo frequent.

I’m wrong. No matter what. For a man who vowed to love and protect me til the end of days…That. Just…Hurts.

I’m trying to protect my family. I’m trying to protect me. I’m trying to protect him. But damn…how much can 1 girl do?

Not enough apparently.

Enough silence. Time to find a new strategy. Protection ends today.

 

 

 

Before, during and after…

 

 

I wrote this 9 months ago but never published it. I’m trying to be more honest with the situation at hand so I felt it was time to make my blog public.

 

Those of you that know my husband…I ask for him to be left alone. There’s 2 sides to every story.

Here’s mine….

 

This last year has been the hardest, most painful and heartbreaking year of my life thus far (with the exception of my Dads death.)

I walked into this marriage thinking that if I just help him…help him realize what’s happening, maybe he will change. Nope. Not how it works. Had we found out that he was bi-polar, and the drastic change it would make to him…to US…before we got married, i hate to admit this, even to myself, but i may have thought harder and gotten things to settle down before i promised my life, let alone my sons life, to him.

When youve been married before and know how big and painful the “D” word is, you never want to hear it again. Never, ever, ever again. Its the most excruciating pain that you could ever experience. Its such a devistating blow to your life that the mere thought scares you so badly you want to run and hide if you even hear it. Now, dont get me wrong, I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I’m just stating that having issues that if handled wrong can lead twords a bad situation are known BEFOREHAND, you really should try and think of the kids involved first. Its imparitive that you go into marriage with a solid foundation. Thankfully, my hubby and I were friends beforehand. Had that friendship not been there…I really don’t think we would have gotten as far as we have. A solid friendship and foundation make a big difference…but when he’s manic his rages turn vindictive, so he will say or do (no, not physically hurt me) anything he knows hurts me the most. His manic side has no limits…no rationality. It’s just..brutal.

I have seen a lot of my friends that are bipolar overcome amazing things. For my husband…all I can do is support and love him. Above and beyond everything else…I just need to be his friend, try and listen and show him regardless of anything else…I’m gonna be there, just as our vows said I would be.

But damn…does it ever get better?

I’m a MOM!!! :)

Yesterday was a crazy day.

As most people look at Michael and I, they think Mother and Son.

Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.

Michaels actually the son of my ex boyfriend Steven. I’m not related to Michael in any way…by blood anyways.

Steven and I were together for 8 years, and during that time, he was granted sole custody of Michael, whom we began to raise together. We never told Michael I was his Mom…Steven always called me Nicci. After about the first couple months Michael came to me with a question one morning while I was making him breakfast.

On rare occasions, Michael would slip up and call me Mom instead of Nicci. It started to get more and more frequent…

Not knowing what to say, Steven and I said nothing about his slipups.

That morning, Michael sat at the table with me and said “Am I allowed to call you my┬áMommy?”

Once again, I was a little slow with my response. This kid at 8 managed to do what any other man in my life had ever accomplished, regardless of how hard those men tried, to make me SPEECHLESS.

After thinking carefully and not wanting to overstep my boundaries, I replied with a simple “Well, is that what youd like?”

Michael grinned and gave the cutest giggle ever, and jumped from his chair onto my lap for a giant hug.

And so it began…

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Steven and I continued to raise Michael together, with Michael and I growing closer than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes even I forgot the little boy I loved so much wasn’t actually biologically mine. I know that Michael apparently forgot sometimes too, because he came home from school and told me all about how he was made of part of my DNA, and part Stevens. I laughed and told him to ask his teacher clarify that for him. LOL

Steven and I broke up in 2012 after 8 years together. We had been best friends since we were 12, so thankfully we put the focus on what was best for Michael. I’m not going to go into unnecessary details, but the conclusion was it was best for Michael to stay with me.

Fast forward to 2015…and Steven and I can still effectively coparent and Michael is still with me. Steven works a lot more than he used to, so he doesn’t get to see Michael as much as I’d like, but otherwise things are great. Soo great in fact…I just filed for custody of him.

In Arizona, they have a type of custody given to people who have are a non relative raising a child. It’s called In Loco Parentis. I’ll spare the long story and skip to the end.

I was recently awarded sole custody and legal decision making rights to Michael. That boys held my heart since he was 5. I am ecstatic to finally LEGALLY be his Mom!

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And so it continues…

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I’m starting to feel lost again.

A several months ago, when the bipolar outbursts lessened, and the hubby started feeling and acting more like himself, I thought for sure things were getting better. That the hardest times were behind us. I’m not so sure of that anymore.

A few months ago, when the loneliness started again, I turned to dog rescuing, which turned into something I could never have imagined. Working with a dog rescue, and saving a dogs life, seems to fill the giant void that being the sole person in my marriage has left. Sleeping next to a man that I feel hates me half the time, is a feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. But being tackled in that same bed by snuggly little balls of fur, is…just amazing. Its crazy what snuggling with a puppy can do. It really makes things not hurt so much.

Some days I have to take Xanax just to be around him, or function as a person. I’m always soo afraid of doing or saying something wrong which will cause a fight, that as so many times in the past, turns into something that is way bigger than the issue to begin with. Sometimes I’m not even sure what the argument is about.

I know that tuning him out and avoiding speaking to him doesn’t actually help anything or anyone, I just don’t like the conflict.

Most of the time our arguments are over things like how he has to work and then come home to make dinner, therefore I must not appreciate the things he does for our family.

In reality, I’m on SSDI because I CANT physically be standing (or sitting) that long. Its not a choice. Its something I have no control over. Hence why SSDI approved my case to begin with. The thought that my own husband doesn’t see the immense pain it causes me when I do take it upon myself to do extra housework or dinner or whatever, hurts even more. A few days ago when he had to take me to the ER (per my Drs orders and also Urgent Cares orders), he got mad at me and was a complete jerk the whole time. To know my husband is annoyed with me because I have physical illnesses I cant control, hurts more than Id like to admit. Somedays I wonder if he would be better off if I just left.

So, that’s where things stand with him and I. Not really talking. Not really communicating. Me feeling like a failure as a wife, and my husband, well, I’m not sure what to say about him. I’ve been trying not to annoy him any further so for now I feel like I’m on my own. Again.

To end this, I want to make it clear I don’t blame him.

For whatever reason, since his meds have mellowed him out, he always thinks no matter what I say, I’m upset with him and attacking him. So he fights back…even though I wasn’t fighting to begin with. If that make sense.

I’m not sure why he always thinks I’m upset with him, but I hope one day he believes me when I say that I love him more than anything. Until then, I guess I go back to waiting.

As unfortunate as the entire situation is, I’m actually very thankful that it got me involved with a rescue that I LOVE. I think those puppies save me just as much as I save them.

The 1st Year…

  

This coming weekend marks my 1 year Wedding Anniversary.
   
 I keep going back and forth trying to find a word that could sum up how the last 12 months have been…and even though I’m fairly intelligent I find myself at a loss for a single word. I keep coming up with words like dedication, confusion, sadness, worry, regret, fear, loneliness, more confusion, and strangely the word love trumps them all. 

My love for my husband goes above and beyond anything I’ve ever felt. My dedication to keeping all the bad times under wraps when his manic episodes started coming, and kept coming, made me put his safety above my own. 

We were engaged for over a year when one night we got into an argument because of his possessiveness and trying to push my sons father out of the picture. It all boiled down to basically he thought that I put my sons father above him. It makes sense, now knowing he’s bipolar, that every guy I was close to he pushed away. Somehow my bright idea to show my level of dedication was to end our fight at 1 am on Thursday by saying “Let’s go to Vegas and get married this weekend.” Don’t get me wrong….I always planned marrying him….just not in Vegas, 72 hours after choosing a date. 

Let me start by saying I don’t regret marrying him. I just wish I would have given it more thought and looked at the timing. 

We got married May 3, 2014…

In May I was diagnosed with a rare immune deficiency. It was a blessing to have the diagnosis but a curse knowing what it meant for my future. Weekly injections of an INSANELY expensive medication (currently $15,000/week)…and to top it off, it comes with huge risks and makes me sick for 2 days after every injection.  At least it explains why I get sick soo often and why normal things like pneumonia turn life or death for me just a few hours after onset. That’s actually one of the things that hurts most…when he knows my chronic daily headaches go crazy and my Drs tell me to go to the ER….but with the exception of my last visit to the hospital a couple days ago….he usually fights me on  everything. He’s made me feel like a burden to him…and if he does go to the hospital…let’s just say he’s not very nice. Since his last med change he’s a lot better…but I can still hear it in his voice that he was annoyed with me, but, at least he went.

It’s strange talking about my husband when 1/2 of him is the sweetest guy I ever met…..like…EVER and the other times I think he hates me. I know he doesn’t mean what he’s saying, and almost never remembers it The next day. Problem is….I do.

I think instead of looking back….I’m going to look forward. The past can’t be changed…but the future, that’s what matters most. I refuse to give up now or ever. What matters most is I’m happy with my choice. I married the man of my dreams. Through sickness and health…I promised to be there. I believe in keeping promises. Most importantly, I plan on keeping HIM.

You’re my Always.

You’re my Forever.

You’re my everything.

You’re my only.

Always sweetheart.

Today’s one of those days where everything seems soo overwhelming. Just being here…alone…is too much.

Im learning that not being able to really talk about how I’m feeling is breaking me piece by piece. No one actually knows whats going on. Ive been fighting soo hard to protect him, i forgot to protect me too. My fear is after its all said and done…the pieces won’t be able to be put back.

I guess time will tell.