I’m just…confused.

I’m not going to sugar coat this one. The truth…and nothing but the truth.

My husband scares me.

My once SOO sweet and gentle guy has become someone I don’t even think likes me. His aggressiveness twords things like my solid wood bed frame that he punched SOO hard he broke the frame…and his hand, have become a regular type of disaster.

Normally I would try and talk this out and try and find out how to help the situation. Just 1 problem. He won’t talk to me.

A couple weeks ago, he got angry with me about…well…I have no clue. Anyway…it ended with me trying frantically to get out of our SUV…and to skip messy details…my hand got broken. I’m still wearing the brace actually. Looks like it may need to be fixed surgically. 😦

Holes in my walls…broken bones (this is the 2nd time my hand got broken in an argument) but last night turned things into a very clear picture…and what I saw was heartbreaking.

I’m gonna try and talk with him and explain the boundaries required to keep me in his life. It either works and he seeks professional help…or I’ll be getting my own place.

My heart is breaking and all I want to do is snuggle in the arms of my protector. Problem is my protector is now my abuser.

If there is a god…please…PLEASE…help me. 

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Silence.

A lot of my posts lately have been more of the negative portions of having a bipolar spouse….so I thought I’d make one a little more positive. As much as possible at least.

When his meds are working, and he’s himself again…he loves me like the day I met him. It’s like he misses me just as much as I miss him when he’s in his manic episodes. When he’s himself again…I see the love and devotion in his eyes that I’ve missed for soo much of the last 6-7 months. It’s like an old friend you rarely see. It’s great to see him smile. 🙂

One part I’ve never really touched on is how his family deals with it.

Up until recently…I had been keeping his parents up to date with everything. I’d call them after every psychologist appointment to let them know how it went. A couple weeks back…We Got into an argument and I needed advice from someone who knew him well…so I called his parents. Right after I hung up with them…he got pissed at me so he walked into the bedroom with me (even though we have a giant house he could have gone anywhere in) and proceeded to call and tell his Dad that…well…to summarize…he gave his Dad a completely different version just to piss me off. At that point…1…I was pissed he was doing this in front of me especially since I had gone in the bedroom to avoid him….and 2…he was being less than truthful. I was furious. Against my better judgement, not able to contain my anger…I yelled at him and his parents heard me. I take responsibility for it being a not so great choice. I know I should have stayed silent. I am fully aware he was trying to get to me…and sadly…I let him.

Since then…his parents and I haven’t really talked. He gets mad when I refuse to call them…but it’s not like I don’t WANT to. But from the brief contact I have had with them somehow this turned into something that must be my fault. That I egg him on or something. That’s soo far from the truth it’s laughable. But…I avoid conflict at all costs. Soo…I gave up trying to explain to them what was happening. His Dad made the comment about “marital problems.” Im not worried about marital problems. I’m afraid of a vindictive, mentally unbalanced suicidal husband who when he’s manic…literally does anything he can think of to hurt me…as an example…putting a handful of 2 different in his mouth. I don’t give a fuck about what this is doing to my marriage. I promised to be there always…and i will. I do however care that I obviously can’t stop him when he’s manic…and when he’s manic it goes from good to dangerous in seconds.

We are actually at his psych appointment now. He’s had some bad side effects so the dr insisted on seeing him today so I picked him up from work. These are the things I’d want his family to know. But… Because what he says varies from what I say…i don’t think they want to hear from me. Heath got mad when I said I didn’t want to call them…so I tried to explain my reason for not calling is because I don’t think they want to hear from me. I’ll talk if they call me…but I don’t want to make anything worse. I think that one incident made more of an impact than I can fix in the near future. I only called that night because things were going badly and I needed help. Well…now to them it looks like that night was going badly because of something I did. What I had done was step between him and our SUV because he was intoxicated. He had taken his meds and even though he only drank the equivalent of 2 drinks…with his meds he was not okay to drive. So…caring enough to save him…I screwed myself over. That incident got wayyy out of hand after the phone call to his parents. I would have preferred that incident never happened. I know he didn’t know the alcohol would effect him like that. But never will I stand by and let him get hurt if I can prevent it.

The next morning…he understood what happened and why I stopped him. Sadly…it doesn’t matter. I know that because only I see him this way…so no one knows what really happens. I’d prefer he at least still talk to his parents…and I don’t want to confuse them by saying something completely different than what he says…

So…once again…I stay silent.

The tattoos in this picture are the ones Heath and I got right after we got together. In Konji…it means “Faith in each other” or “Faith in others.” So I guess that’s what I do now. Have faith that in the end…it’ll all be okay.

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Whoa….I JUST realized something.

This man is who my son sees as his Dad. The Dad he LOVES.

I’ve put soo much effort into trying to think of how to make my marriage better…I didn’t think of what would happen if things weren’t fixable….and my son and I left….what that would do to HIM.

My son and I are gonna have some serious Mommy-Son time tomorrow. I need to know how HE feels before I think about ANYONE else….including myself.

And…thinking further…I think that I honestly…regardless of who started what or why…take responsibility for my actions…and realize that (not meaning this the way it’s gonna sound) I am the only person that can even be labeled as sane when he goes manic…and therefore need to avoid those situations at all costs. Regardless of how I feel…I need to just avoid things for now.

I can’t protect him. I can’t save him. I can only save and control myself.

So…as much as I REALLY wanna snuggle with him and go to bed…I’m gonna give him space and just watch a movie.

I’m always soo concerned with how he feels…and change things I know even have the possibility of upsetting him…but…it really hurts feeling that I don’t have someone concerned with me.

Live and learn.

Sooo…to continue on the topic of bipolar…

 

 

 

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I know that some of you reading this may think that it’s mean that I’m writing this at all. I assure this isnt coming from a place of anger or meanness, I assure you its quite the opposite. My husband has a disorder that is widely misunderstood (even by me) and I’m just trying to make sense of it in one way or another, and for me, that’s writing.

 

 

The first time I saw his other side, it was like looking at a different man altogether. Seeing my 6’3″ husband, whos always smiling, polite, bubbly and playful, turn into someone that when I looked into his eyes, I didn’t even recognize, scared the hell out of me. The way that man looked at me, it was like we had been life long enemies, in reality, we were newlyweds with a pretty good life. And that was just the beginning. I forgot how things went exactly, because they went so fast, but having him ready to end his life over something I THOUGHT was a small problem told me that maybe I was viewing the problem from the wrong side. Granted, yes, it does make it even harder when even he doesn’t understand why he does the things he does…but I just need something to make sense. In my mind, if it makes sense, maybe I can help. Maybe I can make it not so bad. Yeah…even as I type that I know that Its never going to just magically make sense. So until we find another solution, I decided its better to take my frustration, anger, sadness, depression, and

every other emotion possible, and just start writing again.

Why I’m lost and having such a hard time is that some of the things we’ve been through already, I cant un-see. They happened. I know he didn’t mean it. But every day of my life I wake up in fear of something setting him off and me not knowing what to do so somehow in my mind I’ve made this all my fault. Maybe if I was a better wife. Maybe if I was a better step mom. Maybe if, maybe if, maybe if.

Soo, for now anyways, I guess I go back to blogging again. I used to all the time but when I lost my sister Cindy to breast cancer last year, it just didn’t seem important anymore. Well, now I’ve decided that either I find a creative outlet or I’m going to go psychotic myself. So, heres this blog is to try and help me refind myself while refinding my marriage. Please don’t bother with negative comments. Theres nothing you could say that I don’t think already. If you have any questions or comments, just leave them…I’ll answer.

Nicci

 

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Having a spouse with bipolar disorder …the untold version.

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I’ve been married since May of 2014, so not quite a year yet, but that’s not to say that this year hasn’t been full of the most amazing rollercoaster of emotions I could have ever thought possible of feeling.

Most people wake up, with their first thoughts being “oh god, I need coffee…why hasn’t anyone invented a bedside coffee machine?” My first thoughts “Oh crap, it’s 9am. I hope I didn’t miss any messages from him. He’ll think I’m ignoring him…”
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Now, please do not take this as I see him as a burden or that I see worring out responding fast enough or returning calls quickly enough as a chore. I do not. I know that his mind works differently from mine. I know to him if I don’t respond back to his “how are you feeling today sweetheart?” message, that he’s going to think (NOT by choice) that maybe I’m mad at him. Maybe I’m ignoring him. I’ve come to learn these are things that his mind does automatically and no matter how hard he fights it, his mind wins.

On the plus side, he’s still a great Dad. He snaps at them on occasion (like any parent) but he’s quick to apologize and the kids understand. (Their Mom is bipolar too).

To be honest, I’m not really worried too much until his weekends off. If he’s going to have manic days, that’s when it’ll happen. Most people wont even know because I’m very careful to keep it behind closed doors and try and give him space just to end the argument altogether. Granted, it breaks my heart to leave an argument over literally NOTHING, where him or I, or BOTH, are upset, but its kinda like trying to give a cat that hates water a bath. You might in the end get the bath done, but at what cost? My guess is youre going to have one pissed off cat and a lot of scratches. Where I go wrong, and I fully admit this, I like to sit down and address things and get them worked out before the problem gets bigger. Well, by doing that, with a bipolar person, you’re making it bigger.

They will say or do any and everything to win a fight even if they know they’re wrong.

I’m still learning how to deal with all this. I’m still learning to be a wife, a stepmom, a daughter in law, and now the wife to a bipolar man. Because believe me, there is a very distinct difference between being a wife, and the wife of a bipolar man.

I’m trying a few new tactics to see if they work. Even though everything in me wants to pull away, I’m trying to snuggle more and spend more time just loving on him. Also, making small date nights here and there. Surprises. Notes. Basically all the things I did before all this started. I dunno if it’ll help. But I know one thing. It cant hurt.

Nicci