Whoa….I JUST realized something.

This man is who my son sees as his Dad. The Dad he LOVES.

I’ve put soo much effort into trying to think of how to make my marriage better…I didn’t think of what would happen if things weren’t fixable….and my son and I left….what that would do to HIM.

My son and I are gonna have some serious Mommy-Son time tomorrow. I need to know how HE feels before I think about ANYONE else….including myself.

And…thinking further…I think that I honestly…regardless of who started what or why…take responsibility for my actions…and realize that (not meaning this the way it’s gonna sound) I am the only person that can even be labeled as sane when he goes manic…and therefore need to avoid those situations at all costs. Regardless of how I feel…I need to just avoid things for now.

I can’t protect him. I can’t save him. I can only save and control myself.

So…as much as I REALLY wanna snuggle with him and go to bed…I’m gonna give him space and just watch a movie.

I’m always soo concerned with how he feels…and change things I know even have the possibility of upsetting him…but…it really hurts feeling that I don’t have someone concerned with me.

Live and learn.

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Having a spouse with bipolar disorder …the untold version.

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I’ve been married since May of 2014, so not quite a year yet, but that’s not to say that this year hasn’t been full of the most amazing rollercoaster of emotions I could have ever thought possible of feeling.

Most people wake up, with their first thoughts being “oh god, I need coffee…why hasn’t anyone invented a bedside coffee machine?” My first thoughts “Oh crap, it’s 9am. I hope I didn’t miss any messages from him. He’ll think I’m ignoring him…”
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Now, please do not take this as I see him as a burden or that I see worring out responding fast enough or returning calls quickly enough as a chore. I do not. I know that his mind works differently from mine. I know to him if I don’t respond back to his “how are you feeling today sweetheart?” message, that he’s going to think (NOT by choice) that maybe I’m mad at him. Maybe I’m ignoring him. I’ve come to learn these are things that his mind does automatically and no matter how hard he fights it, his mind wins.

On the plus side, he’s still a great Dad. He snaps at them on occasion (like any parent) but he’s quick to apologize and the kids understand. (Their Mom is bipolar too).

To be honest, I’m not really worried too much until his weekends off. If he’s going to have manic days, that’s when it’ll happen. Most people wont even know because I’m very careful to keep it behind closed doors and try and give him space just to end the argument altogether. Granted, it breaks my heart to leave an argument over literally NOTHING, where him or I, or BOTH, are upset, but its kinda like trying to give a cat that hates water a bath. You might in the end get the bath done, but at what cost? My guess is youre going to have one pissed off cat and a lot of scratches. Where I go wrong, and I fully admit this, I like to sit down and address things and get them worked out before the problem gets bigger. Well, by doing that, with a bipolar person, you’re making it bigger.

They will say or do any and everything to win a fight even if they know they’re wrong.

I’m still learning how to deal with all this. I’m still learning to be a wife, a stepmom, a daughter in law, and now the wife to a bipolar man. Because believe me, there is a very distinct difference between being a wife, and the wife of a bipolar man.

I’m trying a few new tactics to see if they work. Even though everything in me wants to pull away, I’m trying to snuggle more and spend more time just loving on him. Also, making small date nights here and there. Surprises. Notes. Basically all the things I did before all this started. I dunno if it’ll help. But I know one thing. It cant hurt.

Nicci