Silence.

A lot of my posts lately have been more of the negative portions of having a bipolar spouse….so I thought I’d make one a little more positive. As much as possible at least.

When his meds are working, and he’s himself again…he loves me like the day I met him. It’s like he misses me just as much as I miss him when he’s in his manic episodes. When he’s himself again…I see the love and devotion in his eyes that I’ve missed for soo much of the last 6-7 months. It’s like an old friend you rarely see. It’s great to see him smile. 🙂

One part I’ve never really touched on is how his family deals with it.

Up until recently…I had been keeping his parents up to date with everything. I’d call them after every psychologist appointment to let them know how it went. A couple weeks back…We Got into an argument and I needed advice from someone who knew him well…so I called his parents. Right after I hung up with them…he got pissed at me so he walked into the bedroom with me (even though we have a giant house he could have gone anywhere in) and proceeded to call and tell his Dad that…well…to summarize…he gave his Dad a completely different version just to piss me off. At that point…1…I was pissed he was doing this in front of me especially since I had gone in the bedroom to avoid him….and 2…he was being less than truthful. I was furious. Against my better judgement, not able to contain my anger…I yelled at him and his parents heard me. I take responsibility for it being a not so great choice. I know I should have stayed silent. I am fully aware he was trying to get to me…and sadly…I let him.

Since then…his parents and I haven’t really talked. He gets mad when I refuse to call them…but it’s not like I don’t WANT to. But from the brief contact I have had with them somehow this turned into something that must be my fault. That I egg him on or something. That’s soo far from the truth it’s laughable. But…I avoid conflict at all costs. Soo…I gave up trying to explain to them what was happening. His Dad made the comment about “marital problems.” Im not worried about marital problems. I’m afraid of a vindictive, mentally unbalanced suicidal husband who when he’s manic…literally does anything he can think of to hurt me…as an example…putting a handful of 2 different in his mouth. I don’t give a fuck about what this is doing to my marriage. I promised to be there always…and i will. I do however care that I obviously can’t stop him when he’s manic…and when he’s manic it goes from good to dangerous in seconds.

We are actually at his psych appointment now. He’s had some bad side effects so the dr insisted on seeing him today so I picked him up from work. These are the things I’d want his family to know. But… Because what he says varies from what I say…i don’t think they want to hear from me. Heath got mad when I said I didn’t want to call them…so I tried to explain my reason for not calling is because I don’t think they want to hear from me. I’ll talk if they call me…but I don’t want to make anything worse. I think that one incident made more of an impact than I can fix in the near future. I only called that night because things were going badly and I needed help. Well…now to them it looks like that night was going badly because of something I did. What I had done was step between him and our SUV because he was intoxicated. He had taken his meds and even though he only drank the equivalent of 2 drinks…with his meds he was not okay to drive. So…caring enough to save him…I screwed myself over. That incident got wayyy out of hand after the phone call to his parents. I would have preferred that incident never happened. I know he didn’t know the alcohol would effect him like that. But never will I stand by and let him get hurt if I can prevent it.

The next morning…he understood what happened and why I stopped him. Sadly…it doesn’t matter. I know that because only I see him this way…so no one knows what really happens. I’d prefer he at least still talk to his parents…and I don’t want to confuse them by saying something completely different than what he says…

So…once again…I stay silent.

The tattoos in this picture are the ones Heath and I got right after we got together. In Konji…it means “Faith in each other” or “Faith in others.” So I guess that’s what I do now. Have faith that in the end…it’ll all be okay.

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Yep…I skipped some days…but here’s day 20.

Sorry I’m a little late. I’ve been in the hospital for about a week. These damn headaches really suck at times.

So anyways….let’s continue what I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for my Mom and sister Cin for my stubbornness.

That stubbornness has saved my life on many occasions. It’s given me the strength to fight for what I think is right….regardless of others opinions.
I’ve succeeded in my treatment because every time I didn’t give up…I chose another Dr and moved on. Yeah…it’s hard and really complicated…but I have the dream team of medical providers. I’m literally on first name basis with the majority of my team. They’re great, always asking how my family is…how the kiddos are doing in school etc. My Mom goes with me to most pain center appts so if she’s not with me, Lindsay (my Dr) immediately asks “where’s Mom?!?” I am grateful to have some really great Drs on my side.

I hear or see how some Drs treat their patients like crap…usually not even remember the patients name. *smh*

I’m really blessed to have such great Drs and Nurses in charge of my care.

I’m grateful for them all…even the annoying ones.

Any amount of time effort and money are soo worth it to get time with my husband and kids I may not otherwise have.

To see Michael go on his first date…fall in love…get married.

To see Jesika get all excited about boys liking her. Wedding dress shopping…grand babies.

To watch Jon excel in music…go to culinary school to become a chef.

To watch Steven be the next all star in baseball or football…watch him live his dream…

To watch Bam grow big and tall…sweet yet tough. That kids soo smart. He’s got the world in his reach. Watch his first date…dance with him at his wedding…

To watch Heath take on amazing things and conquer them all. To watch his face when we finally are having a baby of our own and watch him hold OUR child for the first time. To watch him teach the kids to drive or be there when there’s a broken heart to mend. Just to watch him breathe…I’m happy.

To watch my Mom get to know my kids better. Watch her hold my first biological child in her arms. I wonder…will he or she have my Daddy’s nose? My brothers drive to take on the world…who knows. Maybe start a family dinner tradition on Sunday’s. Who knows. The world is ours…whatever the future holds…I’m happy to be able to be there. Hopefully sometime soon I can at least start to get a relationship with my brother back. He’s really the kind of Uncle I want my kids to have.

Oh…about my brother…so remember that email I sent him as a last ditch effort to try and have some sort of relationship? He messaged me back! He agreed to meet up to talk! It’s a small step…but I’ll take it!

All in all…it’s been a good day…and I’m a very happy girl.

Oh…and just to update everyone…my immunologist doubled my immunoglobulin today. I’m on 10 grams a week now. 15 starting next week. If it’s raised any more I’ll be forced to do it IV. There’s a lot more risks with IV so I really hope we can keep it sub-cutaneous.

Nicci

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You asked…I answered.

Okay…so I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my medical stuff requesting medical updates.

It’d take paragraphs so I figure a short update should suffice for now.

Everyone asks me what I’ve been diagnosed with…so here’s what I can remember.

1. Osteomyelitis/Discitis
2. IgG deficiency (immune deficiency that causes pneumonia (which I’m fighting off now, meningitis and sinus infections.
3. Hypothyroidism
4. Herniated discs…meaning L2 down.
5. Chronic Daily Headaches
6. Fibromyalgia

There’s a few more but those are the main ones.

As for Drs I see…

An Immunologist
Spinal surgeon
3 Neurologists including one for Botox for the headaches
Pain management
My regular PCP
Cardiologist

And then I also have a home nurse (well…3 really but normally just 1)

Right now I’m doing immunoglobulin therapy to try and get y immune system at least somewhat healthy. It’s hard and the side effects suck but I’m willing to do anything for more time with my family.

It’s hard when your sick to do everything required for daily life. About 2 years ago I could normally stand…yet now I can’t even cook dinner on my own. My incredible family (hubby and kids) help with what they can…and I’m forever grateful for my lovable group of helpers. I love them all to pieces.

Anyways…time to make an attempt at housework.

XOXOX
Nicci

Let’s start at the beginning…

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Sooo…where to begin…

I’m Nicci. I’m 32…married to a man I much more than “slightly” adore.

My husband Heath and I met back in 2010 when him and I worked together. At the time he was married and I was in a relationship with my sons father for 8 years…so we were strictly friends. I can’t even estimate how many hours we just sat and talked…him telling me stories of his triplets (Jon, Jesika, and Steven) along with his youngest son Sebastian, and me telling him stories of my son (Michael), who is coincidentally the same age of his triplets). On the days he wasn’t there…I’d leave a subtle “Have a good day” message for him by leaving him his fav candy bar (Twix) on his desk.
Him and I had more than just a little in common…and the more I learned about him the more I found myself finding reasons to go see him. I’ll admit I was very fond of him…and he was the sweetest guy ever…but He was totally off limits and so was I…so everything was kept at work.

In 2010 I was battling a lot of episodes of chronic daily headaches, meningitis and pneumonia so I was missing a lot of time off work. I had explained to Heath about the headaches but never really explained just how bad they were. In Dec 2010…Christmas Eve… I was hospitalized for Meningitis.

Part of diagnosing Meningitis is by doing a spinal tap. Unfortunately there was a complication and bacteria was introduced into my L3-L4 disc causing Osteomyelitis Discitis. Basically it’s like little termites that eat the bone and break it apart. Since the treatment option was either take IV antibiotics, anti fungals and anti bacterials…for 4 months…or die…I obviously chose the meds. Although what I wasn’t thinking of at that time was just how life altering my diagnosis was.

In Jan of 2011…I had to stop working. My employer offered me my job back at any point but with my health spiraling out of control I knew I’d never work again. So I cleaned out my locker and desk and said goodbye to my friends…we’ll…most my friends anyways. Turns out Heath had that day off, so I wasn’t able to explain to him anything. All he knew was one day is was gone…and it’d be 2 years before we’d speak to each other again.

Fast forward to July 2012. The 19th to be exact. I log into FaceBook like I do everyday…and I instantly smile. A message from Heath?!?! All those times we just sat and talked and the fun and laughter we shared came pouring back. I had really missed him. My excitement ended pretty quickly when he started telling me about his wife, out of the blue, asking for a divorce. I could tell even through our conversation on FB that he was really upset…to the point I was really concerned.

Over the next couple days, we talked and talked and talked….about everything from how great of friends we were and how we wished we had stayed in contact. Heath was telling me that up until a month ago he thought things were fine…then all of a sudden his wife asked for a divorce. As my friend was telling me this…my heart broke for him. I could sense just how from his normal self he was…and I was really concerned. I made a date…as friends…to have a picnic at a spot overlooking the city for the next night.

Let’s just say that one “as friends meal” turned into something more valuable than all the money in the world. It turned into love.

Nov 12, 2012…we got engaged.

May 3, 2014… I became Mrs. Heath Crockett

Soo…this blog will be about Family…kids, kids and more kids….medical problems I’m going through (there’s a lot)…and Heath and i’s struggle as parents to my 13 yr old…his 13 yr old triplets (yes…you read that right…we have 4 13yr olds) and his 7yr old….our issues getting pregnant with a baby of our own….plus all the crazy day to day things in the Crockett family.

XOXOX
Nicci

Oct 4th 2013. The day that broke my heart and tested my strength…

It’s been a crazy month to say the least. Oct 3rd, I was happy…playing and goofing around with my sister while she pushed me around at mach speeds around the hospice in our wheelchairs. At 130am that night, my cell phone rang, however I didn’t get to it in time. Right after that, Heaths rang, and as he sprung out of bed, I jumped up with him. I could hear crying on the other end but wasn’t sure what was going on. All I remember at that point was him saying “Nicci, we gotta go. Your sister just died.” I don’t know what was running through my head but I know that I screamed like I’ve never screamed before. I pushed Heath out of my way, got dressed as quick as I could and headed to the truck. I remember crying and crying and crying…just begging Heath to get there quicker. I think he thought I was freaking out about my sister, when in reality I was more concerned with my Mom being there alone. My sister had just died in her arms, I knew there was nothing I could do to help Cin, but I had to get there for my Mom.

The look on my Moms face was heartbreaking. I suppose any Mother that just lost a child would be crushed. I know if Michael died in my arms I’d be having a mental breakdown fairly quickly. I’m really glad Heath was with me at the hospice to be with my Mom. He just hugged her and did everything he could to comfort her. Heaths a great guy like that. He knew that my Mom and I were in pieces, and had he not been with me, theres no way I could have taken it even a fraction of as well as I did.

I’d say the next hardest part was notifying everyone. Of course we weren’t going to let my Mom drive, so Heath and I took my Mom to go find everyone since no one was answering their phones.

Our first stop with my brother J. We rang the door bell and knocked for several minutes before we finally woke him up. Considering it was about 230am at this point, when he opened the door and saw my Mom, Heath and I, he knew it was bad. I’d say out of everyone, he took it best. I think he was more in shock than anything. We didn’t do a lot of talking. There was a lot of silence. I think at that point we were all just soo  heartbroken we were falling to pieces on the inside but trying to stay strong because we had a lot of family to notify. When we left J’s house I made sure to hug him and tell him I loved him. I dunno if I’ve ever done that, but I’m sure going to make it a new point to remember…that tomorrows never guaranteed and those that I love and care about need to know that.

2nd, was Cins daughter Jess. This by far was the hardest one. When we all walked in and she saw us she knew something was wrong. When my Mom asked her to sit down, she immediately started panicking.  As my Mom told her what happened, Jess collapsed on the floor screaming and crying asking us “Why are you lying?!? I JUST saw her!” The look in that childs eyes…I’m pretty sure I’ll never forget.

3rd, Rick. Jess was with us at this point. Honestly, I’m not sure what to think of his reaction. He broke down crying on his stairs but it felt more like it was for show than actual emotion. Considering he’d been screwing my sisters best friend, I may be more critical of him, but seriously…if your wife is dying, can you REALLY not WAIT til she’s dead before cheating on her? For my sister to be crying about feeling abandoned the last days of her life, I’ll never forgive him. And up until this point, I actually liked him.

There’s soo much more I wish I could have talked to her about…but my heart tells me everything we needed to say to each other…we did the last night I saw her…and for that I’m soo grateful.

Nicci

In loving memory of my sister:
Cindy Rose Phillips
7/1/71 – 10/4/2013

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