Silence.

A lot of my posts lately have been more of the negative portions of having a bipolar spouse….so I thought I’d make one a little more positive. As much as possible at least.

When his meds are working, and he’s himself again…he loves me like the day I met him. It’s like he misses me just as much as I miss him when he’s in his manic episodes. When he’s himself again…I see the love and devotion in his eyes that I’ve missed for soo much of the last 6-7 months. It’s like an old friend you rarely see. It’s great to see him smile. 🙂

One part I’ve never really touched on is how his family deals with it.

Up until recently…I had been keeping his parents up to date with everything. I’d call them after every psychologist appointment to let them know how it went. A couple weeks back…We Got into an argument and I needed advice from someone who knew him well…so I called his parents. Right after I hung up with them…he got pissed at me so he walked into the bedroom with me (even though we have a giant house he could have gone anywhere in) and proceeded to call and tell his Dad that…well…to summarize…he gave his Dad a completely different version just to piss me off. At that point…1…I was pissed he was doing this in front of me especially since I had gone in the bedroom to avoid him….and 2…he was being less than truthful. I was furious. Against my better judgement, not able to contain my anger…I yelled at him and his parents heard me. I take responsibility for it being a not so great choice. I know I should have stayed silent. I am fully aware he was trying to get to me…and sadly…I let him.

Since then…his parents and I haven’t really talked. He gets mad when I refuse to call them…but it’s not like I don’t WANT to. But from the brief contact I have had with them somehow this turned into something that must be my fault. That I egg him on or something. That’s soo far from the truth it’s laughable. But…I avoid conflict at all costs. Soo…I gave up trying to explain to them what was happening. His Dad made the comment about “marital problems.” Im not worried about marital problems. I’m afraid of a vindictive, mentally unbalanced suicidal husband who when he’s manic…literally does anything he can think of to hurt me…as an example…putting a handful of 2 different in his mouth. I don’t give a fuck about what this is doing to my marriage. I promised to be there always…and i will. I do however care that I obviously can’t stop him when he’s manic…and when he’s manic it goes from good to dangerous in seconds.

We are actually at his psych appointment now. He’s had some bad side effects so the dr insisted on seeing him today so I picked him up from work. These are the things I’d want his family to know. But… Because what he says varies from what I say…i don’t think they want to hear from me. Heath got mad when I said I didn’t want to call them…so I tried to explain my reason for not calling is because I don’t think they want to hear from me. I’ll talk if they call me…but I don’t want to make anything worse. I think that one incident made more of an impact than I can fix in the near future. I only called that night because things were going badly and I needed help. Well…now to them it looks like that night was going badly because of something I did. What I had done was step between him and our SUV because he was intoxicated. He had taken his meds and even though he only drank the equivalent of 2 drinks…with his meds he was not okay to drive. So…caring enough to save him…I screwed myself over. That incident got wayyy out of hand after the phone call to his parents. I would have preferred that incident never happened. I know he didn’t know the alcohol would effect him like that. But never will I stand by and let him get hurt if I can prevent it.

The next morning…he understood what happened and why I stopped him. Sadly…it doesn’t matter. I know that because only I see him this way…so no one knows what really happens. I’d prefer he at least still talk to his parents…and I don’t want to confuse them by saying something completely different than what he says…

So…once again…I stay silent.

The tattoos in this picture are the ones Heath and I got right after we got together. In Konji…it means “Faith in each other” or “Faith in others.” So I guess that’s what I do now. Have faith that in the end…it’ll all be okay.

20140222_004116_W Cactus Rd

Advertisements

Whoa….I JUST realized something.

This man is who my son sees as his Dad. The Dad he LOVES.

I’ve put soo much effort into trying to think of how to make my marriage better…I didn’t think of what would happen if things weren’t fixable….and my son and I left….what that would do to HIM.

My son and I are gonna have some serious Mommy-Son time tomorrow. I need to know how HE feels before I think about ANYONE else….including myself.

And…thinking further…I think that I honestly…regardless of who started what or why…take responsibility for my actions…and realize that (not meaning this the way it’s gonna sound) I am the only person that can even be labeled as sane when he goes manic…and therefore need to avoid those situations at all costs. Regardless of how I feel…I need to just avoid things for now.

I can’t protect him. I can’t save him. I can only save and control myself.

So…as much as I REALLY wanna snuggle with him and go to bed…I’m gonna give him space and just watch a movie.

I’m always soo concerned with how he feels…and change things I know even have the possibility of upsetting him…but…it really hurts feeling that I don’t have someone concerned with me.

Live and learn.

Let’s start at the beginning…

1102132155

Sooo…where to begin…

I’m Nicci. I’m 32…married to a man I much more than “slightly” adore.

My husband Heath and I met back in 2010 when him and I worked together. At the time he was married and I was in a relationship with my sons father for 8 years…so we were strictly friends. I can’t even estimate how many hours we just sat and talked…him telling me stories of his triplets (Jon, Jesika, and Steven) along with his youngest son Sebastian, and me telling him stories of my son (Michael), who is coincidentally the same age of his triplets). On the days he wasn’t there…I’d leave a subtle “Have a good day” message for him by leaving him his fav candy bar (Twix) on his desk.
Him and I had more than just a little in common…and the more I learned about him the more I found myself finding reasons to go see him. I’ll admit I was very fond of him…and he was the sweetest guy ever…but He was totally off limits and so was I…so everything was kept at work.

In 2010 I was battling a lot of episodes of chronic daily headaches, meningitis and pneumonia so I was missing a lot of time off work. I had explained to Heath about the headaches but never really explained just how bad they were. In Dec 2010…Christmas Eve… I was hospitalized for Meningitis.

Part of diagnosing Meningitis is by doing a spinal tap. Unfortunately there was a complication and bacteria was introduced into my L3-L4 disc causing Osteomyelitis Discitis. Basically it’s like little termites that eat the bone and break it apart. Since the treatment option was either take IV antibiotics, anti fungals and anti bacterials…for 4 months…or die…I obviously chose the meds. Although what I wasn’t thinking of at that time was just how life altering my diagnosis was.

In Jan of 2011…I had to stop working. My employer offered me my job back at any point but with my health spiraling out of control I knew I’d never work again. So I cleaned out my locker and desk and said goodbye to my friends…we’ll…most my friends anyways. Turns out Heath had that day off, so I wasn’t able to explain to him anything. All he knew was one day is was gone…and it’d be 2 years before we’d speak to each other again.

Fast forward to July 2012. The 19th to be exact. I log into FaceBook like I do everyday…and I instantly smile. A message from Heath?!?! All those times we just sat and talked and the fun and laughter we shared came pouring back. I had really missed him. My excitement ended pretty quickly when he started telling me about his wife, out of the blue, asking for a divorce. I could tell even through our conversation on FB that he was really upset…to the point I was really concerned.

Over the next couple days, we talked and talked and talked….about everything from how great of friends we were and how we wished we had stayed in contact. Heath was telling me that up until a month ago he thought things were fine…then all of a sudden his wife asked for a divorce. As my friend was telling me this…my heart broke for him. I could sense just how from his normal self he was…and I was really concerned. I made a date…as friends…to have a picnic at a spot overlooking the city for the next night.

Let’s just say that one “as friends meal” turned into something more valuable than all the money in the world. It turned into love.

Nov 12, 2012…we got engaged.

May 3, 2014… I became Mrs. Heath Crockett

Soo…this blog will be about Family…kids, kids and more kids….medical problems I’m going through (there’s a lot)…and Heath and i’s struggle as parents to my 13 yr old…his 13 yr old triplets (yes…you read that right…we have 4 13yr olds) and his 7yr old….our issues getting pregnant with a baby of our own….plus all the crazy day to day things in the Crockett family.

XOXOX
Nicci