I’m just…confused.

I’m not going to sugar coat this one. The truth…and nothing but the truth.

My husband scares me.

My once SOO sweet and gentle guy has become someone I don’t even think likes me. His aggressiveness twords things like my solid wood bed frame that he punched SOO hard he broke the frame…and his hand, have become a regular type of disaster.

Normally I would try and talk this out and try and find out how to help the situation. Just 1 problem. He won’t talk to me.

A couple weeks ago, he got angry with me about…well…I have no clue. Anyway…it ended with me trying frantically to get out of our SUV…and to skip messy details…my hand got broken. I’m still wearing the brace actually. Looks like it may need to be fixed surgically. 😦

Holes in my walls…broken bones (this is the 2nd time my hand got broken in an argument) but last night turned things into a very clear picture…and what I saw was heartbreaking.

I’m gonna try and talk with him and explain the boundaries required to keep me in his life. It either works and he seeks professional help…or I’ll be getting my own place.

My heart is breaking and all I want to do is snuggle in the arms of my protector. Problem is my protector is now my abuser.

If there is a god…please…PLEASE…help me. 

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Silence.

A lot of my posts lately have been more of the negative portions of having a bipolar spouse….so I thought I’d make one a little more positive. As much as possible at least.

When his meds are working, and he’s himself again…he loves me like the day I met him. It’s like he misses me just as much as I miss him when he’s in his manic episodes. When he’s himself again…I see the love and devotion in his eyes that I’ve missed for soo much of the last 6-7 months. It’s like an old friend you rarely see. It’s great to see him smile. 🙂

One part I’ve never really touched on is how his family deals with it.

Up until recently…I had been keeping his parents up to date with everything. I’d call them after every psychologist appointment to let them know how it went. A couple weeks back…We Got into an argument and I needed advice from someone who knew him well…so I called his parents. Right after I hung up with them…he got pissed at me so he walked into the bedroom with me (even though we have a giant house he could have gone anywhere in) and proceeded to call and tell his Dad that…well…to summarize…he gave his Dad a completely different version just to piss me off. At that point…1…I was pissed he was doing this in front of me especially since I had gone in the bedroom to avoid him….and 2…he was being less than truthful. I was furious. Against my better judgement, not able to contain my anger…I yelled at him and his parents heard me. I take responsibility for it being a not so great choice. I know I should have stayed silent. I am fully aware he was trying to get to me…and sadly…I let him.

Since then…his parents and I haven’t really talked. He gets mad when I refuse to call them…but it’s not like I don’t WANT to. But from the brief contact I have had with them somehow this turned into something that must be my fault. That I egg him on or something. That’s soo far from the truth it’s laughable. But…I avoid conflict at all costs. Soo…I gave up trying to explain to them what was happening. His Dad made the comment about “marital problems.” Im not worried about marital problems. I’m afraid of a vindictive, mentally unbalanced suicidal husband who when he’s manic…literally does anything he can think of to hurt me…as an example…putting a handful of 2 different in his mouth. I don’t give a fuck about what this is doing to my marriage. I promised to be there always…and i will. I do however care that I obviously can’t stop him when he’s manic…and when he’s manic it goes from good to dangerous in seconds.

We are actually at his psych appointment now. He’s had some bad side effects so the dr insisted on seeing him today so I picked him up from work. These are the things I’d want his family to know. But… Because what he says varies from what I say…i don’t think they want to hear from me. Heath got mad when I said I didn’t want to call them…so I tried to explain my reason for not calling is because I don’t think they want to hear from me. I’ll talk if they call me…but I don’t want to make anything worse. I think that one incident made more of an impact than I can fix in the near future. I only called that night because things were going badly and I needed help. Well…now to them it looks like that night was going badly because of something I did. What I had done was step between him and our SUV because he was intoxicated. He had taken his meds and even though he only drank the equivalent of 2 drinks…with his meds he was not okay to drive. So…caring enough to save him…I screwed myself over. That incident got wayyy out of hand after the phone call to his parents. I would have preferred that incident never happened. I know he didn’t know the alcohol would effect him like that. But never will I stand by and let him get hurt if I can prevent it.

The next morning…he understood what happened and why I stopped him. Sadly…it doesn’t matter. I know that because only I see him this way…so no one knows what really happens. I’d prefer he at least still talk to his parents…and I don’t want to confuse them by saying something completely different than what he says…

So…once again…I stay silent.

The tattoos in this picture are the ones Heath and I got right after we got together. In Konji…it means “Faith in each other” or “Faith in others.” So I guess that’s what I do now. Have faith that in the end…it’ll all be okay.

20140222_004116_W Cactus Rd