I know that some of you reading this may think that it’s mean that I’m writing this at all. I assure this isnt coming from a place of anger or meanness, I assure you its quite the opposite. My husband has a disorder that is widely misunderstood (even by me) and I’m just trying to make sense of it in one way or another, and for me, that’s writing.
The first time I saw his other side, it was like looking at a different man altogether. Seeing my 6’3″ husband, whos always smiling, polite, bubbly and playful, turn into someone that when I looked into his eyes, I didn’t even recognize, scared the hell out of me. The way that man looked at me, it was like we had been life long enemies, in reality, we were newlyweds with a pretty good life. And that was just the beginning. I forgot how things went exactly, because they went so fast, but having him ready to end his life over something I THOUGHT was a small problem told me that maybe I was viewing the problem from the wrong side. Granted, yes, it does make it even harder when even he doesn’t understand why he does the things he does…but I just need something to make sense. In my mind, if it makes sense, maybe I can help. Maybe I can make it not so bad. Yeah…even as I type that I know that Its never going to just magically make sense. So until we find another solution, I decided its better to take my frustration, anger, sadness, depression, and
every other emotion possible, and just start writing again.
Why I’m lost and having such a hard time is that some of the things we’ve been through already, I cant un-see. They happened. I know he didn’t mean it. But every day of my life I wake up in fear of something setting him off and me not knowing what to do so somehow in my mind I’ve made this all my fault. Maybe if I was a better wife. Maybe if I was a better step mom. Maybe if, maybe if, maybe if.
Soo, for now anyways, I guess I go back to blogging again. I used to all the time but when I lost my sister Cindy to breast cancer last year, it just didn’t seem important anymore. Well, now I’ve decided that either I find a creative outlet or I’m going to go psychotic myself. So, heres this blog is to try and help me refind myself while refinding my marriage. Please don’t bother with negative comments. Theres nothing you could say that I don’t think already. If you have any questions or comments, just leave them…I’ll answer.