Sooo…to continue on the topic of bipolar…

 

 

 

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I know that some of you reading this may think that it’s mean that I’m writing this at all. I assure this isnt coming from a place of anger or meanness, I assure you its quite the opposite. My husband has a disorder that is widely misunderstood (even by me) and I’m just trying to make sense of it in one way or another, and for me, that’s writing.

 

 

The first time I saw his other side, it was like looking at a different man altogether. Seeing my 6’3″ husband, whos always smiling, polite, bubbly and playful, turn into someone that when I looked into his eyes, I didn’t even recognize, scared the hell out of me. The way that man looked at me, it was like we had been life long enemies, in reality, we were newlyweds with a pretty good life. And that was just the beginning. I forgot how things went exactly, because they went so fast, but having him ready to end his life over something I THOUGHT was a small problem told me that maybe I was viewing the problem from the wrong side. Granted, yes, it does make it even harder when even he doesn’t understand why he does the things he does…but I just need something to make sense. In my mind, if it makes sense, maybe I can help. Maybe I can make it not so bad. Yeah…even as I type that I know that Its never going to just magically make sense. So until we find another solution, I decided its better to take my frustration, anger, sadness, depression, and

every other emotion possible, and just start writing again.

Why I’m lost and having such a hard time is that some of the things we’ve been through already, I cant un-see. They happened. I know he didn’t mean it. But every day of my life I wake up in fear of something setting him off and me not knowing what to do so somehow in my mind I’ve made this all my fault. Maybe if I was a better wife. Maybe if I was a better step mom. Maybe if, maybe if, maybe if.

Soo, for now anyways, I guess I go back to blogging again. I used to all the time but when I lost my sister Cindy to breast cancer last year, it just didn’t seem important anymore. Well, now I’ve decided that either I find a creative outlet or I’m going to go psychotic myself. So, heres this blog is to try and help me refind myself while refinding my marriage. Please don’t bother with negative comments. Theres nothing you could say that I don’t think already. If you have any questions or comments, just leave them…I’ll answer.

Nicci

 

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Having a spouse with bipolar disorder …the untold version.

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I’ve been married since May of 2014, so not quite a year yet, but that’s not to say that this year hasn’t been full of the most amazing rollercoaster of emotions I could have ever thought possible of feeling.

Most people wake up, with their first thoughts being “oh god, I need coffee…why hasn’t anyone invented a bedside coffee machine?” My first thoughts “Oh crap, it’s 9am. I hope I didn’t miss any messages from him. He’ll think I’m ignoring him…”
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Now, please do not take this as I see him as a burden or that I see worring out responding fast enough or returning calls quickly enough as a chore. I do not. I know that his mind works differently from mine. I know to him if I don’t respond back to his “how are you feeling today sweetheart?” message, that he’s going to think (NOT by choice) that maybe I’m mad at him. Maybe I’m ignoring him. I’ve come to learn these are things that his mind does automatically and no matter how hard he fights it, his mind wins.

On the plus side, he’s still a great Dad. He snaps at them on occasion (like any parent) but he’s quick to apologize and the kids understand. (Their Mom is bipolar too).

To be honest, I’m not really worried too much until his weekends off. If he’s going to have manic days, that’s when it’ll happen. Most people wont even know because I’m very careful to keep it behind closed doors and try and give him space just to end the argument altogether. Granted, it breaks my heart to leave an argument over literally NOTHING, where him or I, or BOTH, are upset, but its kinda like trying to give a cat that hates water a bath. You might in the end get the bath done, but at what cost? My guess is youre going to have one pissed off cat and a lot of scratches. Where I go wrong, and I fully admit this, I like to sit down and address things and get them worked out before the problem gets bigger. Well, by doing that, with a bipolar person, you’re making it bigger.

They will say or do any and everything to win a fight even if they know they’re wrong.

I’m still learning how to deal with all this. I’m still learning to be a wife, a stepmom, a daughter in law, and now the wife to a bipolar man. Because believe me, there is a very distinct difference between being a wife, and the wife of a bipolar man.

I’m trying a few new tactics to see if they work. Even though everything in me wants to pull away, I’m trying to snuggle more and spend more time just loving on him. Also, making small date nights here and there. Surprises. Notes. Basically all the things I did before all this started. I dunno if it’ll help. But I know one thing. It cant hurt.

Nicci

Let’s start at the beginning…

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Sooo…where to begin…

I’m Nicci. I’m 32…married to a man I much more than “slightly” adore.

My husband Heath and I met back in 2010 when him and I worked together. At the time he was married and I was in a relationship with my sons father for 8 years…so we were strictly friends. I can’t even estimate how many hours we just sat and talked…him telling me stories of his triplets (Jon, Jesika, and Steven) along with his youngest son Sebastian, and me telling him stories of my son (Michael), who is coincidentally the same age of his triplets). On the days he wasn’t there…I’d leave a subtle “Have a good day” message for him by leaving him his fav candy bar (Twix) on his desk.
Him and I had more than just a little in common…and the more I learned about him the more I found myself finding reasons to go see him. I’ll admit I was very fond of him…and he was the sweetest guy ever…but He was totally off limits and so was I…so everything was kept at work.

In 2010 I was battling a lot of episodes of chronic daily headaches, meningitis and pneumonia so I was missing a lot of time off work. I had explained to Heath about the headaches but never really explained just how bad they were. In Dec 2010…Christmas Eve… I was hospitalized for Meningitis.

Part of diagnosing Meningitis is by doing a spinal tap. Unfortunately there was a complication and bacteria was introduced into my L3-L4 disc causing Osteomyelitis Discitis. Basically it’s like little termites that eat the bone and break it apart. Since the treatment option was either take IV antibiotics, anti fungals and anti bacterials…for 4 months…or die…I obviously chose the meds. Although what I wasn’t thinking of at that time was just how life altering my diagnosis was.

In Jan of 2011…I had to stop working. My employer offered me my job back at any point but with my health spiraling out of control I knew I’d never work again. So I cleaned out my locker and desk and said goodbye to my friends…we’ll…most my friends anyways. Turns out Heath had that day off, so I wasn’t able to explain to him anything. All he knew was one day is was gone…and it’d be 2 years before we’d speak to each other again.

Fast forward to July 2012. The 19th to be exact. I log into FaceBook like I do everyday…and I instantly smile. A message from Heath?!?! All those times we just sat and talked and the fun and laughter we shared came pouring back. I had really missed him. My excitement ended pretty quickly when he started telling me about his wife, out of the blue, asking for a divorce. I could tell even through our conversation on FB that he was really upset…to the point I was really concerned.

Over the next couple days, we talked and talked and talked….about everything from how great of friends we were and how we wished we had stayed in contact. Heath was telling me that up until a month ago he thought things were fine…then all of a sudden his wife asked for a divorce. As my friend was telling me this…my heart broke for him. I could sense just how from his normal self he was…and I was really concerned. I made a date…as friends…to have a picnic at a spot overlooking the city for the next night.

Let’s just say that one “as friends meal” turned into something more valuable than all the money in the world. It turned into love.

Nov 12, 2012…we got engaged.

May 3, 2014… I became Mrs. Heath Crockett

Soo…this blog will be about Family…kids, kids and more kids….medical problems I’m going through (there’s a lot)…and Heath and i’s struggle as parents to my 13 yr old…his 13 yr old triplets (yes…you read that right…we have 4 13yr olds) and his 7yr old….our issues getting pregnant with a baby of our own….plus all the crazy day to day things in the Crockett family.

XOXOX
Nicci