Never saw this coming…

Where to begin?…

Just warning you in advance that I’m likely going to be all over the place with this post mainly because there is just so much going on at one time. I’m going to try and explain but no promises I’ll make sense LOL.

As I sit here and trying to think how to explain this all.. I realize just how much of the last year I tried to hide.

My son and I now have an apartment of Our Own. About a month ago, things got completely out of hand and it was no longer safe for my son and I to live in our house with my husband.

It’s very scary to make a decision that you know is going to impact your life in any and every way possible. It’s very scary to lay everything out on the table and share secrets that terrify you. It’s incredibly hard to admit that because of my choices over the last year my son and I have now developed PTSD. Had I been braver or strong enough to make a decision earlier maybe none of this would have happened…but it’s too late for those kind of thoughts. The damage is already done and there’s nothing that I can say or do that is going to change that.

My 3 year wedding anniversary was May 3rd. My son and I moved into our apartment May 6th. I have not seen or heard from my husband since then…but I’m guessing that is largely because I have an order of protection against him. Because of some of the events I’m about to explain, I was forced to take legal action to keep my husband as far away from my son and I as possible.

I entered my marriage so in love and so confident I was marrying the man I’d always wanted. I’m leaving my marriage with my arm broken in 3 places and my son having the terrifying experience of being choked by my husband.

Yes. You did read that correctly. I was in the hospital one night and came home the next day only to find out that my husband had gotten upset with my son and then slapped him. When my son got upset and scared and asked if it was okay to call me,  my husband’s response was just scream “NO!” and begin to choke him. I came home to marks around my child’s neck. I can’t even explain how it felt to see that someone I let into my life and into my child’s life had harmed him. You bet your ass I called the police! And yes, the police are looking to prosecute.

Having a four-bedroom house and trying to pack everything mostly on my own with one arm in a cast was incredibly difficult. Everything I looked at gave me horrible feelings inside. I literally went through my entire house and either sold or donated the majority of my furniture because I didn’t want those memories following us to our new home. It didn’t matter though. I may not have physical reminders but nothing I do changes how I feel. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel like I’ve made the most horrible decisions and I should have seen this coming and avoided it. I should have left when I first noticed things were getting harder to deal with. I should have left when I realized that my husband could no longer speak to me and instead only screamed at me. Looking back on things I now see so many warning signs that things were headed in a very dangerous direction… but somehow I missed all that. 

How? 

I. Have. No. Clue.

I know there’s nothing I can do to change what’s already happened but I also know that I need to be brave and do everything I can to show my child that him & I are now safe.

Soo…my kid and I have a new apartment that literally no one knows where it is. Things are hard, but that’s okay. We will get thru this.

As for my husband, the Special Victims Unit is charging him with a few things. 

1. For breaking my arm…Felony Aggrevated Assult. 

2. For hitting and then choking my kid…Assault & Disorderly conduct.

3. For knocking my kid out cold on the kitchen floor… I can’t remember the exact charges but I’m sure they are similar to the charges for choking him.

Right after the incident happened with him choking my kid, I took the advice of the detective on the case and got an order of protection barring him from any sort of contact with me, my kid, or my mom for at least one year. When he received notice of the order of protection, he immediately objected. In the State of Arizona, if someone objects to an order of protection, you then both have to go and plead your case in front of a judge. The legal requirement is that you have to prove Beyond a Reasonable Doubt that domestic violence did occur. I won my case.
Over last year there has been a large amount of his friends and family that think I’m just making everything up. It’s been really difficult to have to defend myself every step of the way but thankfully I have pictures and police reports to back everything I’ve said. I kind of wonder if his friends and family actually believe I made everything up or if they are going along with what he is saying and just trying to be supportive. It’s definitely been damaging to a lot of my relationships and I’ve had to cut a lot of people out of my life.

Even though its cost me a lot both physically & mentally…I am soo thankful my son and I are now safe.

It’s time To stop Hiding the truth. I’m in a domestic violence relationship.

This is going to be extremely hard for me to write… So I apologize if it’s not my normal sarcastic or funny type of personality because let’s be honest, the situation isn’t funny. It’s not something that should be taking light-heartedly or something it should be ignored.

For the last year, I have been in a domestic violence situation my husband. I’ve had my wrist broken many cuts and bruises and a severely Broken Heart.

My husband is an amazing guy… Or he was before he was diagnosed as bipolar. We had a great life, he had a great job  and we took lots of weekend vacations as a family. Just him walking in the room would make me so happy. I would do anything to have those days back. The violence towards me was worse when he was on his med’s but it wasn’t as frequently. When he got off of his meds he literally didn’t care about anyone or anything including me including my son and sometimes including his own children. Will he ever say that? No. He won’t. But being there first hand to witness the relationship between him and everyone else in his life it was a clear marked difference in his personality. My Breaking Point came a couple days ago. One of my step kids approached me and said that they needed me to hear them out before saying anything. Immediately I got a little nervous but agreed to it of course. That conversation rocked my world and it all came tumbling down.

I have severe medical issues and I’m in the hospital quite a bit. What I didn’t know was that when I wasn’t home my husband had been beating on my child. Let’s just say this didn’t go over well with me. I also found out that my husband had been violent with at least one out of his two ex-wives.

Immediately I talk to my the kids and they all confirmed that what I had been told was true. My poor kid was so afraid to tell me because he thought he would get in trouble. I proceeded to cry it’s terrible and just tell him that I love him.

Now I am left to wonder… If he hadn’t have stopped taking his meds comma what everything still happen this way? To everyone else he’s such a gentle giant no one’s ever going to believe me. The only thing I have are pictures. Maybe if I’d spoken up before when it first started more people would understand and more people would know what really happened. Maybe I would have more people there to support me. I chose not to say anything to protect my husband’s reputation and because of that I may ruin my own.

Honestly I’m okay with that. I just want people to know that sometimes if your friend or family member doesn’t seem to be acting right… Talk to them. Be there for them and let them know they can trust you.

So you may be wondering if I plan on working it out with my husband. No I don’t. I told him I only condition would be that he go to anger management and counseling but to be honest I don’t think that’s going to happen either.

If you take anything from this post… take from it to always trust your instincts and never let someone get away with hurting you. In my case it was physical, mental, and verbal abuse. How many people have gotten it so much worse but no matter how bad it is… Abuse is abuse and it should not be tolerated under any circumstances. I’m not going to pretend to be an angel in this situation… There were many times and that as he screamed nasty things to me I screamed nasty things back. Do I regret it? Yes… Because I should have just left.

I know that I’m going to lose a few friends over this because it’s going to be assumed that I’m lying because my husband would never do anything like that… But honestly if I can make one person rethink the relationship that they’re in then maybe it’s worth it.

Just…breathe.

 

 

 

Somehow I’ve turned into a mega bitch because I don’t agree with everything he says.

1- We have different parenting styles…and that’s okay. Each child is different and deserves to be treated as an individual…not screamed at, not punished because he may take longer with questions.

2- I don’t deserve to be screamed at no matter how angry you are. It’s unacceptable. If you want love and respect from me…treat me that way.

3- I’m sorry that I got SOO pissed off at you that I said hurtful things. I didn’t mean it and I truly am sorry.

4- No matter how much I say that may push your buttons…its not okay to physically hurt me. Whether your angry or not, putting your hands on me or  ANYONE is not okay. You need to learn to control things in a manor that won’t hurt me, you, the furniture or whatever. The mere fact that you THINK it’s okay says more about you than you think.

I’m willing to work on things…in a safe environment. But these bullshit reasons for you flipping out need to STOP. Be a man and respect your wife and kids to not treat them like they’re disposable. I love you to pieces. Please keep your promises to always be there. I love you. I need you…most importantly I WANT you.

 

I’m just…confused.

I’m not going to sugar coat this one. The truth…and nothing but the truth.

My husband scares me.

My once SOO sweet and gentle guy has become someone I don’t even think likes me. His aggressiveness twords things like my solid wood bed frame that he punched SOO hard he broke the frame…and his hand, have become a regular type of disaster.

Normally I would try and talk this out and try and find out how to help the situation. Just 1 problem. He won’t talk to me.

A couple weeks ago, he got angry with me about…well…I have no clue. Anyway…it ended with me trying frantically to get out of our SUV…and to skip messy details…my hand got broken. I’m still wearing the brace actually. Looks like it may need to be fixed surgically. 😦

Holes in my walls…broken bones (this is the 2nd time my hand got broken in an argument) but last night turned things into a very clear picture…and what I saw was heartbreaking.

I’m gonna try and talk with him and explain the boundaries required to keep me in his life. It either works and he seeks professional help…or I’ll be getting my own place.

My heart is breaking and all I want to do is snuggle in the arms of my protector. Problem is my protector is now my abuser.

If there is a god…please…PLEASE…help me.