Never saw this coming…

Where to begin?…

Just warning you in advance that I’m likely going to be all over the place with this post mainly because there is just so much going on at one time. I’m going to try and explain but no promises I’ll make sense LOL.

As I sit here and trying to think how to explain this all.. I realize just how much of the last year I tried to hide.

My son and I now have an apartment of Our Own. About a month ago, things got completely out of hand and it was no longer safe for my son and I to live in our house with my husband.

It’s very scary to make a decision that you know is going to impact your life in any and every way possible. It’s very scary to lay everything out on the table and share secrets that terrify you. It’s incredibly hard to admit that because of my choices over the last year my son and I have now developed PTSD. Had I been braver or strong enough to make a decision earlier maybe none of this would have happened…but it’s too late for those kind of thoughts. The damage is already done and there’s nothing that I can say or do that is going to change that.

My 3 year wedding anniversary was May 3rd. My son and I moved into our apartment May 6th. I have not seen or heard from my husband since then…but I’m guessing that is largely because I have an order of protection against him. Because of some of the events I’m about to explain, I was forced to take legal action to keep my husband as far away from my son and I as possible.

I entered my marriage so in love and so confident I was marrying the man I’d always wanted. I’m leaving my marriage with my arm broken in 3 places and my son having the terrifying experience of being choked by my husband.

Yes. You did read that correctly. I was in the hospital one night and came home the next day only to find out that my husband had gotten upset with my son and then slapped him. When my son got upset and scared and asked if it was okay to call me,  my husband’s response was just scream “NO!” and begin to choke him. I came home to marks around my child’s neck. I can’t even explain how it felt to see that someone I let into my life and into my child’s life had harmed him. You bet your ass I called the police! And yes, the police are looking to prosecute.

Having a four-bedroom house and trying to pack everything mostly on my own with one arm in a cast was incredibly difficult. Everything I looked at gave me horrible feelings inside. I literally went through my entire house and either sold or donated the majority of my furniture because I didn’t want those memories following us to our new home. It didn’t matter though. I may not have physical reminders but nothing I do changes how I feel. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel like I’ve made the most horrible decisions and I should have seen this coming and avoided it. I should have left when I first noticed things were getting harder to deal with. I should have left when I realized that my husband could no longer speak to me and instead only screamed at me. Looking back on things I now see so many warning signs that things were headed in a very dangerous direction… but somehow I missed all that. 

How? 

I. Have. No. Clue.

I know there’s nothing I can do to change what’s already happened but I also know that I need to be brave and do everything I can to show my child that him & I are now safe.

Soo…my kid and I have a new apartment that literally no one knows where it is. Things are hard, but that’s okay. We will get thru this.

As for my husband, the Special Victims Unit is charging him with a few things. 

1. For breaking my arm…Felony Aggrevated Assult. 

2. For hitting and then choking my kid…Assault & Disorderly conduct.

3. For knocking my kid out cold on the kitchen floor… I can’t remember the exact charges but I’m sure they are similar to the charges for choking him.

Right after the incident happened with him choking my kid, I took the advice of the detective on the case and got an order of protection barring him from any sort of contact with me, my kid, or my mom for at least one year. When he received notice of the order of protection, he immediately objected. In the State of Arizona, if someone objects to an order of protection, you then both have to go and plead your case in front of a judge. The legal requirement is that you have to prove Beyond a Reasonable Doubt that domestic violence did occur. I won my case.
Over last year there has been a large amount of his friends and family that think I’m just making everything up. It’s been really difficult to have to defend myself every step of the way but thankfully I have pictures and police reports to back everything I’ve said. I kind of wonder if his friends and family actually believe I made everything up or if they are going along with what he is saying and just trying to be supportive. It’s definitely been damaging to a lot of my relationships and I’ve had to cut a lot of people out of my life.

Even though its cost me a lot both physically & mentally…I am soo thankful my son and I are now safe.

It’s time To stop Hiding the truth. I’m in a domestic violence relationship.

This is going to be extremely hard for me to write… So I apologize if it’s not my normal sarcastic or funny type of personality because let’s be honest, the situation isn’t funny. It’s not something that should be taking light-heartedly or something it should be ignored.

For the last year, I have been in a domestic violence situation my husband. I’ve had my wrist broken many cuts and bruises and a severely Broken Heart.

My husband is an amazing guy… Or he was before he was diagnosed as bipolar. We had a great life, he had a great job  and we took lots of weekend vacations as a family. Just him walking in the room would make me so happy. I would do anything to have those days back. The violence towards me was worse when he was on his med’s but it wasn’t as frequently. When he got off of his meds he literally didn’t care about anyone or anything including me including my son and sometimes including his own children. Will he ever say that? No. He won’t. But being there first hand to witness the relationship between him and everyone else in his life it was a clear marked difference in his personality. My Breaking Point came a couple days ago. One of my step kids approached me and said that they needed me to hear them out before saying anything. Immediately I got a little nervous but agreed to it of course. That conversation rocked my world and it all came tumbling down.

I have severe medical issues and I’m in the hospital quite a bit. What I didn’t know was that when I wasn’t home my husband had been beating on my child. Let’s just say this didn’t go over well with me. I also found out that my husband had been violent with at least one out of his two ex-wives.

Immediately I talk to my the kids and they all confirmed that what I had been told was true. My poor kid was so afraid to tell me because he thought he would get in trouble. I proceeded to cry it’s terrible and just tell him that I love him.

Now I am left to wonder… If he hadn’t have stopped taking his meds comma what everything still happen this way? To everyone else he’s such a gentle giant no one’s ever going to believe me. The only thing I have are pictures. Maybe if I’d spoken up before when it first started more people would understand and more people would know what really happened. Maybe I would have more people there to support me. I chose not to say anything to protect my husband’s reputation and because of that I may ruin my own.

Honestly I’m okay with that. I just want people to know that sometimes if your friend or family member doesn’t seem to be acting right… Talk to them. Be there for them and let them know they can trust you.

So you may be wondering if I plan on working it out with my husband. No I don’t. I told him I only condition would be that he go to anger management and counseling but to be honest I don’t think that’s going to happen either.

If you take anything from this post… take from it to always trust your instincts and never let someone get away with hurting you. In my case it was physical, mental, and verbal abuse. How many people have gotten it so much worse but no matter how bad it is… Abuse is abuse and it should not be tolerated under any circumstances. I’m not going to pretend to be an angel in this situation… There were many times and that as he screamed nasty things to me I screamed nasty things back. Do I regret it? Yes… Because I should have just left.

I know that I’m going to lose a few friends over this because it’s going to be assumed that I’m lying because my husband would never do anything like that… But honestly if I can make one person rethink the relationship that they’re in then maybe it’s worth it.

Alone…could it be any worse?

I’m in the hospital once again….alone.

 

Heath doesn’t get it. He’s so stuck on how everyone owes him respect and should thank him repetively for going to work and me staying home. I’m in SSDI…meaning I’m paid fairly well for not being able to work. Plus the child support and other Money I bring in on my own. He acts like just because he’s has a hard day…no one else can either.

He demands respect or the screaming starts because “no one listens.”

 

I get my Christmas wish, sorta

Last year, after everything spectacularly bombed at every holiday imaginable, I was wishing that some way, some how, every holiday could just be…Cancelled. My first Christmas as a newlywed and it went so wrong that when I showered that night, I just cried. Same thing at Mothers Day, my Birthday, a couple date nights, And even a couple date nights. Most notable was his absence. Whether physical or mental…he was always somewhere else.

I guess his most notable absence was right before Christmas last year. I was admitted into the hospital for the millionth time, but what I found weird is that in the beginning he couldn’t bear to leave me there alone. This night, he came to see me…stayed for a few minutes and got angry at me because I was hungry and the cafateria was closed. He didnt have to work the next day…going to a drive through would have only taken a few minutes. What happened next just about broke my heart.

I get a text from him saying “She’s staying at her Moms tonight.”

Who would need to know that and why?!? His WIFE is sick and in the hospital, and hes arranging to meet up with someone?

Immediately I texted him and told him “oops. guess youd look bad if you were cheating on your wife WHILE she’s in the hospital?!? hope you have a good night.”

Needless to say, he told me he was texting a friend and that it was an auto correct. I later found out it was a female “friend” he hadnt seen in while, he also swore he told her that I was in the hospital. My point was that if she cared little enough that his wife, whom he had JUST married, was sick and literally just that night admitted to the hospital, yet she still would be okay with seeing him then? Personally to me (I never got to ask because he deleted all her stuff and refused to speak of her again), I’m guessing that the text I got was her question on, knowing he was married with 5 kids, how it was possible he was going out that night. He told me autocorrect must have screwed up what he said. Riiight. Because that sounds realistic.

Anyways, to shorten this, lets just say that holidays dont usually go so great for me. Not because he tries to sneak off with other people (that I know of) but because with his bipolar episodes and the stress holidays cause…things go from smiles to tears in seconds. I have literally told him I didnt want to celebrate pretty much anything more than anything for the kids.  It took me 3 xanax just to sit and calmly (or semi-calmly) write this.

SO…Earlier in the year he mentioned that he wanted to go to Oregon. Of course, at that point, with things being okay, I said we could plan to go. I apparently didnt think that through. I tried to do the best I could but during this year, we lost a car, our finances are in jeopardy because 1 place is already garnishing wages, another is finalizing papers to do so as well. We arent current on all the bills and yet he still insists we take the vacation to Oregon.

Dont get me wrong, I want, VERY MUCH SO, to see his hometown and get some great pics of the kids etc. I’d love to see Heath smile again…just because. And I think thats the only way how.

I was going to do my best to stay here, and just let him go. BUT, I’m trying not to make things obvious about our marital problems (which I know would be abundantly clear if Michael and I stayed home on a “family” vacation). But…I gotta admit, I’m scared. I’m scared the money we are about to use on a vacation that should be put off, we are going to need…and we wont have it. I hope these 4 days work magic and he’s like him old self…cuz otherwise? We are putting ourselves in jeopardy for nothing.

 

Just…breathe.

 

 

 

Somehow I’ve turned into a mega bitch because I don’t agree with everything he says.

1- We have different parenting styles…and that’s okay. Each child is different and deserves to be treated as an individual…not screamed at, not punished because he may take longer with questions.

2- I don’t deserve to be screamed at no matter how angry you are. It’s unacceptable. If you want love and respect from me…treat me that way.

3- I’m sorry that I got SOO pissed off at you that I said hurtful things. I didn’t mean it and I truly am sorry.

4- No matter how much I say that may push your buttons…its not okay to physically hurt me. Whether your angry or not, putting your hands on me or  ANYONE is not okay. You need to learn to control things in a manor that won’t hurt me, you, the furniture or whatever. The mere fact that you THINK it’s okay says more about you than you think.

I’m willing to work on things…in a safe environment. But these bullshit reasons for you flipping out need to STOP. Be a man and respect your wife and kids to not treat them like they’re disposable. I love you to pieces. Please keep your promises to always be there. I love you. I need you…most importantly I WANT you.

 

I’m just…confused.

I’m not going to sugar coat this one. The truth…and nothing but the truth.

My husband scares me.

My once SOO sweet and gentle guy has become someone I don’t even think likes me. His aggressiveness twords things like my solid wood bed frame that he punched SOO hard he broke the frame…and his hand, have become a regular type of disaster.

Normally I would try and talk this out and try and find out how to help the situation. Just 1 problem. He won’t talk to me.

A couple weeks ago, he got angry with me about…well…I have no clue. Anyway…it ended with me trying frantically to get out of our SUV…and to skip messy details…my hand got broken. I’m still wearing the brace actually. Looks like it may need to be fixed surgically. 😦

Holes in my walls…broken bones (this is the 2nd time my hand got broken in an argument) but last night turned things into a very clear picture…and what I saw was heartbreaking.

I’m gonna try and talk with him and explain the boundaries required to keep me in his life. It either works and he seeks professional help…or I’ll be getting my own place.

My heart is breaking and all I want to do is snuggle in the arms of my protector. Problem is my protector is now my abuser.

If there is a god…please…PLEASE…help me. 


Where am I you ask? On Vacation…in the hospital.

When my husband first brought up the idea to spend the kids winter break in Oregon…I was thrilled. Once I really thought about it, I started to worry what would happen if he went manic or depressed. His norm is to get loud and more often than not, he makes remarks about me or yells at me in front of the kids. That’s by far the most hurtful button he can push. His manic episodes were getting better and his pleas to “just give him a chance to prove it’ll be okay” made me go against my better judgement and agree to give it a shot. Well…I agreed and here we are in Oregon. I LOVE it. Rainy, cold, and just beautiful. The exact type of place I always wanted to raise my kids in.

Here’s where the problem began. As soon as we got here, I spiked a fever and started throwing up. Hubby had to take me to the ER. After several rounds of pain and nausea meds plus antibiotics…the Drs were still not okay with me leaving and said because they couldn’t find the source of the fever…it’d be life threatening if I left and I’d have to sign out AMA. Since the hubby was already pissed I was at the ER all day, I decided to go against my better judgement and sign myself out…but the Drs made me swear multiple times I’d come back if the fever was over 100.4 or if anything got worse. Next morning, fever of 103 and couldn’t breathe. Back to the ER I went.

I was in the hospital just about 72 hrs. During that time….no calls from my hubby. It felt like he didn’t want me there to spend time with him…and the longest he ever stayed was about a couple hours while we played cards with the kids. I’ve never felt soo alone. Speaking to him, he made a comment on how much you can influence your body with “mind over matter.” In certain instances…yes….I think it’s true. However double pneumonia isn’t something I’d consider something controllable by mind.

Everyday there in the hospital made me feel more alone. Every morning when the Drs wanted to speak to my husband…all I could say was that maybe he’d be there later. Each day I tried to get them to let me leave…but it never worked. One Dr asked me if I understood their reasoning and I said I figured they were waiting for the fever to drop. He then asked how to get ahold of anyone who I trusted to make medical choices for me…they tried my husband but cell coverage there wasn’t great…so they told me things weren’t going in a great direction and asked besides my husband…who knew me well enough to make decisions medically for me. Considering that I couldn’t get ahold of the hubby, and plus he had a lot of stress going on anyways, my family in AZ I didn’t wanna worry because they were dealing with an emergency with my Mom…so I chose Lyndsay (my pain management Dr who’s more like a friend) & Julie (my Immunologist who’s also become a friend ).

It wasn’t all that day till I realized exactly how sick I was. From the beginning, they had me on 2mg of Dilaudid every 2 hours…just to keep me there and comfortable.

So…after several consultations with my drs at home, then finally agreed to let me out with 1 day to sightsee before heading back. They had me on 4 antibiotics round the clock in the hospital and sent me home on 5 days of Levaquin ( which thankfully the hospital paid for because my insurance wouldn’t cover the Pharmacy up there) and now that I just ended the levaquin, my doctor started me on two weeks of augmentin because even now the pneumonia still is not clear.

All in all, I’m glad I decided to go with my husband and kids the Oregon does his family. Granted, health wise it was a really stupid move, but I think my husband needed that trip.

Some of my favorite pics I took of the changing scenery:

The kiddos…

My favorite of the hubby and I…the day we headed back.

Reality check…

Let’s be honest…that’s the point, right?

When he gets home…I’ve learned to stay silent until I can gauge his mood. Depending on what I see…ill either walk away and retreat to the bedroom where I stay because it’s my safe place…or at least a place the kids don’t always here the amazingly awful things he says to me.
Some examples…

Quit being a bitch. I just worked all week and now at 11am on a Saturday you want help cleaning? This fight turned crazy. We JUST got around to fixing the hole he punched through the wall that day.

I’m not sure how this started…but basically he got mad and because I planned on working for Uber and LYFT that night…so he wanted to leave just so I couldn’t. He was too drugged and slurring his words one night after he took his meds…he got mad at me because after fighting with him, I had to hide his keys to keep him from leaving. Well…it ended with him threatening me in several ways…but the most hurtful was what he said to my son (RIGHT before a custody hearing with my sons Dad no less)(who at this point was ignoring him, but sitting behind me on the floor because the hubby was on a rampage screaming things like “Did you know she’s gonna take you from your Dad and you’re never going to see him again?” Thankfully my son sat where nothing but the hubby’s words could get to him…and I had previously told my son what to do if he hears his dad get angry…to put his shoes on and be ready to go. Thankfully I had also implemented a rule that no matter what, my son and I don’t lie to each other…so he knew what Heath was saying was BS.

Or how about when he told me to leave…and because he gets suicidal I wouldn’t…so he woke my kid up at 1am telling him to pack his stuff because he was moving out? That’s always a great argument to bring a child into.

My examples could go on and on.
I just want the man I married back. Where is he? I know he’s inside there somewhere…but is he,willing to fight to gain back control?
He wants me to go to Oregon in a few weeks to visit his family…and I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m lost within my own mind…too scared to speak…too angry to listen.

I’m falling…and the cliffs are too high.
How’d I get here?
***This isn’t meant to bash anyone. This is just something I can’t hide from any longer. He’s not a bad guy…and I’m by no means a saint. I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and all I want is to love him…and feel like he loves me too. I’m just soo…soo very lost. I just wanna see the sparkle in his eyes again. I’m losing him, each new day another piece is gone…of him and I both. It’s time to put the puzzle back together.

Silence…

This may be more of a rambling chain of thoughts than an actual post.

I can’t tell you how often I’m silenced…mainly because its just soo frequent.

I’m wrong. No matter what. For a man who vowed to love and protect me til the end of days…That. Just…Hurts.

I’m trying to protect my family. I’m trying to protect me. I’m trying to protect him. But damn…how much can 1 girl do?

Not enough apparently.

Enough silence. Time to find a new strategy. Protection ends today.

 

 

 

Before, during and after…

 

 

I wrote this 9 months ago but never published it. I’m trying to be more honest with the situation at hand so I felt it was time to make my blog public.

 

Those of you that know my husband…I ask for him to be left alone. There’s 2 sides to every story.

Here’s mine….

 

This last year has been the hardest, most painful and heartbreaking year of my life thus far (with the exception of my Dads death.)

I walked into this marriage thinking that if I just help him…help him realize what’s happening, maybe he will change. Nope. Not how it works. Had we found out that he was bi-polar, and the drastic change it would make to him…to US…before we got married, i hate to admit this, even to myself, but i may have thought harder and gotten things to settle down before i promised my life, let alone my sons life, to him.

When youve been married before and know how big and painful the “D” word is, you never want to hear it again. Never, ever, ever again. Its the most excruciating pain that you could ever experience. Its such a devistating blow to your life that the mere thought scares you so badly you want to run and hide if you even hear it. Now, dont get me wrong, I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I’m just stating that having issues that if handled wrong can lead twords a bad situation are known BEFOREHAND, you really should try and think of the kids involved first. Its imparitive that you go into marriage with a solid foundation. Thankfully, my hubby and I were friends beforehand. Had that friendship not been there…I really don’t think we would have gotten as far as we have. A solid friendship and foundation make a big difference…but when he’s manic his rages turn vindictive, so he will say or do (no, not physically hurt me) anything he knows hurts me the most. His manic side has no limits…no rationality. It’s just..brutal.

I have seen a lot of my friends that are bipolar overcome amazing things. For my husband…all I can do is support and love him. Above and beyond everything else…I just need to be his friend, try and listen and show him regardless of anything else…I’m gonna be there, just as our vows said I would be.

But damn…does it ever get better?