Never saw this coming…

Where to begin?…

Just warning you in advance that I’m likely going to be all over the place with this post mainly because there is just so much going on at one time. I’m going to try and explain but no promises I’ll make sense LOL.

As I sit here and trying to think how to explain this all.. I realize just how much of the last year I tried to hide.

My son and I now have an apartment of Our Own. About a month ago, things got completely out of hand and it was no longer safe for my son and I to live in our house with my husband.

It’s very scary to make a decision that you know is going to impact your life in any and every way possible. It’s very scary to lay everything out on the table and share secrets that terrify you. It’s incredibly hard to admit that because of my choices over the last year my son and I have now developed PTSD. Had I been braver or strong enough to make a decision earlier maybe none of this would have happened…but it’s too late for those kind of thoughts. The damage is already done and there’s nothing that I can say or do that is going to change that.

My 3 year wedding anniversary was May 3rd. My son and I moved into our apartment May 6th. I have not seen or heard from my husband since then…but I’m guessing that is largely because I have an order of protection against him. Because of some of the events I’m about to explain, I was forced to take legal action to keep my husband as far away from my son and I as possible.

I entered my marriage so in love and so confident I was marrying the man I’d always wanted. I’m leaving my marriage with my arm broken in 3 places and my son having the terrifying experience of being choked by my husband.

Yes. You did read that correctly. I was in the hospital one night and came home the next day only to find out that my husband had gotten upset with my son and then slapped him. When my son got upset and scared and asked if it was okay to call me,  my husband’s response was just scream “NO!” and begin to choke him. I came home to marks around my child’s neck. I can’t even explain how it felt to see that someone I let into my life and into my child’s life had harmed him. You bet your ass I called the police! And yes, the police are looking to prosecute.

Having a four-bedroom house and trying to pack everything mostly on my own with one arm in a cast was incredibly difficult. Everything I looked at gave me horrible feelings inside. I literally went through my entire house and either sold or donated the majority of my furniture because I didn’t want those memories following us to our new home. It didn’t matter though. I may not have physical reminders but nothing I do changes how I feel. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel like I’ve made the most horrible decisions and I should have seen this coming and avoided it. I should have left when I first noticed things were getting harder to deal with. I should have left when I realized that my husband could no longer speak to me and instead only screamed at me. Looking back on things I now see so many warning signs that things were headed in a very dangerous direction… but somehow I missed all that. 

How? 

I. Have. No. Clue.

I know there’s nothing I can do to change what’s already happened but I also know that I need to be brave and do everything I can to show my child that him & I are now safe.

Soo…my kid and I have a new apartment that literally no one knows where it is. Things are hard, but that’s okay. We will get thru this.

As for my husband, the Special Victims Unit is charging him with a few things. 

1. For breaking my arm…Felony Aggrevated Assult. 

2. For hitting and then choking my kid…Assault & Disorderly conduct.

3. For knocking my kid out cold on the kitchen floor… I can’t remember the exact charges but I’m sure they are similar to the charges for choking him.

Right after the incident happened with him choking my kid, I took the advice of the detective on the case and got an order of protection barring him from any sort of contact with me, my kid, or my mom for at least one year. When he received notice of the order of protection, he immediately objected. In the State of Arizona, if someone objects to an order of protection, you then both have to go and plead your case in front of a judge. The legal requirement is that you have to prove Beyond a Reasonable Doubt that domestic violence did occur. I won my case.
Over last year there has been a large amount of his friends and family that think I’m just making everything up. It’s been really difficult to have to defend myself every step of the way but thankfully I have pictures and police reports to back everything I’ve said. I kind of wonder if his friends and family actually believe I made everything up or if they are going along with what he is saying and just trying to be supportive. It’s definitely been damaging to a lot of my relationships and I’ve had to cut a lot of people out of my life.

Even though its cost me a lot both physically & mentally…I am soo thankful my son and I are now safe.

It’s time To stop Hiding the truth. I’m in a domestic violence relationship.

This is going to be extremely hard for me to write… So I apologize if it’s not my normal sarcastic or funny type of personality because let’s be honest, the situation isn’t funny. It’s not something that should be taking light-heartedly or something it should be ignored.

For the last year, I have been in a domestic violence situation my husband. I’ve had my wrist broken many cuts and bruises and a severely Broken Heart.

My husband is an amazing guy… Or he was before he was diagnosed as bipolar. We had a great life, he had a great job  and we took lots of weekend vacations as a family. Just him walking in the room would make me so happy. I would do anything to have those days back. The violence towards me was worse when he was on his med’s but it wasn’t as frequently. When he got off of his meds he literally didn’t care about anyone or anything including me including my son and sometimes including his own children. Will he ever say that? No. He won’t. But being there first hand to witness the relationship between him and everyone else in his life it was a clear marked difference in his personality. My Breaking Point came a couple days ago. One of my step kids approached me and said that they needed me to hear them out before saying anything. Immediately I got a little nervous but agreed to it of course. That conversation rocked my world and it all came tumbling down.

I have severe medical issues and I’m in the hospital quite a bit. What I didn’t know was that when I wasn’t home my husband had been beating on my child. Let’s just say this didn’t go over well with me. I also found out that my husband had been violent with at least one out of his two ex-wives.

Immediately I talk to my the kids and they all confirmed that what I had been told was true. My poor kid was so afraid to tell me because he thought he would get in trouble. I proceeded to cry it’s terrible and just tell him that I love him.

Now I am left to wonder… If he hadn’t have stopped taking his meds comma what everything still happen this way? To everyone else he’s such a gentle giant no one’s ever going to believe me. The only thing I have are pictures. Maybe if I’d spoken up before when it first started more people would understand and more people would know what really happened. Maybe I would have more people there to support me. I chose not to say anything to protect my husband’s reputation and because of that I may ruin my own.

Honestly I’m okay with that. I just want people to know that sometimes if your friend or family member doesn’t seem to be acting right… Talk to them. Be there for them and let them know they can trust you.

So you may be wondering if I plan on working it out with my husband. No I don’t. I told him I only condition would be that he go to anger management and counseling but to be honest I don’t think that’s going to happen either.

If you take anything from this post… take from it to always trust your instincts and never let someone get away with hurting you. In my case it was physical, mental, and verbal abuse. How many people have gotten it so much worse but no matter how bad it is… Abuse is abuse and it should not be tolerated under any circumstances. I’m not going to pretend to be an angel in this situation… There were many times and that as he screamed nasty things to me I screamed nasty things back. Do I regret it? Yes… Because I should have just left.

I know that I’m going to lose a few friends over this because it’s going to be assumed that I’m lying because my husband would never do anything like that… But honestly if I can make one person rethink the relationship that they’re in then maybe it’s worth it.

Just…breathe.

 

 

 

Somehow I’ve turned into a mega bitch because I don’t agree with everything he says.

1- We have different parenting styles…and that’s okay. Each child is different and deserves to be treated as an individual…not screamed at, not punished because he may take longer with questions.

2- I don’t deserve to be screamed at no matter how angry you are. It’s unacceptable. If you want love and respect from me…treat me that way.

3- I’m sorry that I got SOO pissed off at you that I said hurtful things. I didn’t mean it and I truly am sorry.

4- No matter how much I say that may push your buttons…its not okay to physically hurt me. Whether your angry or not, putting your hands on me or  ANYONE is not okay. You need to learn to control things in a manor that won’t hurt me, you, the furniture or whatever. The mere fact that you THINK it’s okay says more about you than you think.

I’m willing to work on things…in a safe environment. But these bullshit reasons for you flipping out need to STOP. Be a man and respect your wife and kids to not treat them like they’re disposable. I love you to pieces. Please keep your promises to always be there. I love you. I need you…most importantly I WANT you.

 

I’m just…confused.

I’m not going to sugar coat this one. The truth…and nothing but the truth.

My husband scares me.

My once SOO sweet and gentle guy has become someone I don’t even think likes me. His aggressiveness twords things like my solid wood bed frame that he punched SOO hard he broke the frame…and his hand, have become a regular type of disaster.

Normally I would try and talk this out and try and find out how to help the situation. Just 1 problem. He won’t talk to me.

A couple weeks ago, he got angry with me about…well…I have no clue. Anyway…it ended with me trying frantically to get out of our SUV…and to skip messy details…my hand got broken. I’m still wearing the brace actually. Looks like it may need to be fixed surgically. 😦

Holes in my walls…broken bones (this is the 2nd time my hand got broken in an argument) but last night turned things into a very clear picture…and what I saw was heartbreaking.

I’m gonna try and talk with him and explain the boundaries required to keep me in his life. It either works and he seeks professional help…or I’ll be getting my own place.

My heart is breaking and all I want to do is snuggle in the arms of my protector. Problem is my protector is now my abuser.

If there is a god…please…PLEASE…help me. 


Where am I you ask? On Vacation…in the hospital.

When my husband first brought up the idea to spend the kids winter break in Oregon…I was thrilled. Once I really thought about it, I started to worry what would happen if he went manic or depressed. His norm is to get loud and more often than not, he makes remarks about me or yells at me in front of the kids. That’s by far the most hurtful button he can push. His manic episodes were getting better and his pleas to “just give him a chance to prove it’ll be okay” made me go against my better judgement and agree to give it a shot. Well…I agreed and here we are in Oregon. I LOVE it. Rainy, cold, and just beautiful. The exact type of place I always wanted to raise my kids in.

Here’s where the problem began. As soon as we got here, I spiked a fever and started throwing up. Hubby had to take me to the ER. After several rounds of pain and nausea meds plus antibiotics…the Drs were still not okay with me leaving and said because they couldn’t find the source of the fever…it’d be life threatening if I left and I’d have to sign out AMA. Since the hubby was already pissed I was at the ER all day, I decided to go against my better judgement and sign myself out…but the Drs made me swear multiple times I’d come back if the fever was over 100.4 or if anything got worse. Next morning, fever of 103 and couldn’t breathe. Back to the ER I went.

I was in the hospital just about 72 hrs. During that time….no calls from my hubby. It felt like he didn’t want me there to spend time with him…and the longest he ever stayed was about a couple hours while we played cards with the kids. I’ve never felt soo alone. Speaking to him, he made a comment on how much you can influence your body with “mind over matter.” In certain instances…yes….I think it’s true. However double pneumonia isn’t something I’d consider something controllable by mind.

Everyday there in the hospital made me feel more alone. Every morning when the Drs wanted to speak to my husband…all I could say was that maybe he’d be there later. Each day I tried to get them to let me leave…but it never worked. One Dr asked me if I understood their reasoning and I said I figured they were waiting for the fever to drop. He then asked how to get ahold of anyone who I trusted to make medical choices for me…they tried my husband but cell coverage there wasn’t great…so they told me things weren’t going in a great direction and asked besides my husband…who knew me well enough to make decisions medically for me. Considering that I couldn’t get ahold of the hubby, and plus he had a lot of stress going on anyways, my family in AZ I didn’t wanna worry because they were dealing with an emergency with my Mom…so I chose Lyndsay (my pain management Dr who’s more like a friend) & Julie (my Immunologist who’s also become a friend ).

It wasn’t all that day till I realized exactly how sick I was. From the beginning, they had me on 2mg of Dilaudid every 2 hours…just to keep me there and comfortable.

So…after several consultations with my drs at home, then finally agreed to let me out with 1 day to sightsee before heading back. They had me on 4 antibiotics round the clock in the hospital and sent me home on 5 days of Levaquin ( which thankfully the hospital paid for because my insurance wouldn’t cover the Pharmacy up there) and now that I just ended the levaquin, my doctor started me on two weeks of augmentin because even now the pneumonia still is not clear.

All in all, I’m glad I decided to go with my husband and kids the Oregon does his family. Granted, health wise it was a really stupid move, but I think my husband needed that trip.

Some of my favorite pics I took of the changing scenery:

The kiddos…

My favorite of the hubby and I…the day we headed back.

Reality check…

Let’s be honest…that’s the point, right?

When he gets home…I’ve learned to stay silent until I can gauge his mood. Depending on what I see…ill either walk away and retreat to the bedroom where I stay because it’s my safe place…or at least a place the kids don’t always here the amazingly awful things he says to me.
Some examples…

Quit being a bitch. I just worked all week and now at 11am on a Saturday you want help cleaning? This fight turned crazy. We JUST got around to fixing the hole he punched through the wall that day.

I’m not sure how this started…but basically he got mad and because I planned on working for Uber and LYFT that night…so he wanted to leave just so I couldn’t. He was too drugged and slurring his words one night after he took his meds…he got mad at me because after fighting with him, I had to hide his keys to keep him from leaving. Well…it ended with him threatening me in several ways…but the most hurtful was what he said to my son (RIGHT before a custody hearing with my sons Dad no less)(who at this point was ignoring him, but sitting behind me on the floor because the hubby was on a rampage screaming things like “Did you know she’s gonna take you from your Dad and you’re never going to see him again?” Thankfully my son sat where nothing but the hubby’s words could get to him…and I had previously told my son what to do if he hears his dad get angry…to put his shoes on and be ready to go. Thankfully I had also implemented a rule that no matter what, my son and I don’t lie to each other…so he knew what Heath was saying was BS.

Or how about when he told me to leave…and because he gets suicidal I wouldn’t…so he woke my kid up at 1am telling him to pack his stuff because he was moving out? That’s always a great argument to bring a child into.

My examples could go on and on.
I just want the man I married back. Where is he? I know he’s inside there somewhere…but is he,willing to fight to gain back control?
He wants me to go to Oregon in a few weeks to visit his family…and I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m lost within my own mind…too scared to speak…too angry to listen.

I’m falling…and the cliffs are too high.
How’d I get here?
***This isn’t meant to bash anyone. This is just something I can’t hide from any longer. He’s not a bad guy…and I’m by no means a saint. I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and all I want is to love him…and feel like he loves me too. I’m just soo…soo very lost. I just wanna see the sparkle in his eyes again. I’m losing him, each new day another piece is gone…of him and I both. It’s time to put the puzzle back together.

Before, during and after…

 

 

I wrote this 9 months ago but never published it. I’m trying to be more honest with the situation at hand so I felt it was time to make my blog public.

 

Those of you that know my husband…I ask for him to be left alone. There’s 2 sides to every story.

Here’s mine….

 

This last year has been the hardest, most painful and heartbreaking year of my life thus far (with the exception of my Dads death.)

I walked into this marriage thinking that if I just help him…help him realize what’s happening, maybe he will change. Nope. Not how it works. Had we found out that he was bi-polar, and the drastic change it would make to him…to US…before we got married, i hate to admit this, even to myself, but i may have thought harder and gotten things to settle down before i promised my life, let alone my sons life, to him.

When youve been married before and know how big and painful the “D” word is, you never want to hear it again. Never, ever, ever again. Its the most excruciating pain that you could ever experience. Its such a devistating blow to your life that the mere thought scares you so badly you want to run and hide if you even hear it. Now, dont get me wrong, I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I’m just stating that having issues that if handled wrong can lead twords a bad situation are known BEFOREHAND, you really should try and think of the kids involved first. Its imparitive that you go into marriage with a solid foundation. Thankfully, my hubby and I were friends beforehand. Had that friendship not been there…I really don’t think we would have gotten as far as we have. A solid friendship and foundation make a big difference…but when he’s manic his rages turn vindictive, so he will say or do (no, not physically hurt me) anything he knows hurts me the most. His manic side has no limits…no rationality. It’s just..brutal.

I have seen a lot of my friends that are bipolar overcome amazing things. For my husband…all I can do is support and love him. Above and beyond everything else…I just need to be his friend, try and listen and show him regardless of anything else…I’m gonna be there, just as our vows said I would be.

But damn…does it ever get better?

I’m a MOM!!! :)

Yesterday was a crazy day.

As most people look at Michael and I, they think Mother and Son.

Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.

Michaels actually the son of my ex boyfriend Steven. I’m not related to Michael in any way…by blood anyways.

Steven and I were together for 8 years, and during that time, he was granted sole custody of Michael, whom we began to raise together. We never told Michael I was his Mom…Steven always called me Nicci. After about the first couple months Michael came to me with a question one morning while I was making him breakfast.

On rare occasions, Michael would slip up and call me Mom instead of Nicci. It started to get more and more frequent…

Not knowing what to say, Steven and I said nothing about his slipups.

That morning, Michael sat at the table with me and said “Am I allowed to call you my Mommy?”

Once again, I was a little slow with my response. This kid at 8 managed to do what any other man in my life had ever accomplished, regardless of how hard those men tried, to make me SPEECHLESS.

After thinking carefully and not wanting to overstep my boundaries, I replied with a simple “Well, is that what youd like?”

Michael grinned and gave the cutest giggle ever, and jumped from his chair onto my lap for a giant hug.

And so it began…

Steven and I continued to raise Michael together, with Michael and I growing closer than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes even I forgot the little boy I loved so much wasn’t actually biologically mine. I know that Michael apparently forgot sometimes too, because he came home from school and told me all about how he was made of part of my DNA, and part Stevens. I laughed and told him to ask his teacher clarify that for him. LOL

Steven and I broke up in 2012 after 8 years together. We had been best friends since we were 12, so thankfully we put the focus on what was best for Michael. I’m not going to go into unnecessary details, but the conclusion was it was best for Michael to stay with me.

Fast forward to 2015…and Steven and I can still effectively coparent and Michael is still with me. Steven works a lot more than he used to, so he doesn’t get to see Michael as much as I’d like, but otherwise things are great. Soo great in fact…I just filed for custody of him.

In Arizona, they have a type of custody given to people who have are a non relative raising a child. It’s called In Loco Parentis. I’ll spare the long story and skip to the end.

I was recently awarded sole custody and legal decision making rights to Michael. That boys held my heart since he was 5. I am ecstatic to finally LEGALLY be his Mom!

The 1st Year…

  

This coming weekend marks my 1 year Wedding Anniversary.
   
 I keep going back and forth trying to find a word that could sum up how the last 12 months have been…and even though I’m fairly intelligent I find myself at a loss for a single word. I keep coming up with words like dedication, confusion, sadness, worry, regret, fear, loneliness, more confusion, and strangely the word love trumps them all. 

My love for my husband goes above and beyond anything I’ve ever felt. My dedication to keeping all the bad times under wraps when his manic episodes started coming, and kept coming, made me put his safety above my own. 

We were engaged for over a year when one night we got into an argument because of his possessiveness and trying to push my sons father out of the picture. It all boiled down to basically he thought that I put my sons father above him. It makes sense, now knowing he’s bipolar, that every guy I was close to he pushed away. Somehow my bright idea to show my level of dedication was to end our fight at 1 am on Thursday by saying “Let’s go to Vegas and get married this weekend.” Don’t get me wrong….I always planned marrying him….just not in Vegas, 72 hours after choosing a date. 

Let me start by saying I don’t regret marrying him. I just wish I would have given it more thought and looked at the timing. 

We got married May 3, 2014…

In May I was diagnosed with a rare immune deficiency. It was a blessing to have the diagnosis but a curse knowing what it meant for my future. Weekly injections of an INSANELY expensive medication (currently $15,000/week)…and to top it off, it comes with huge risks and makes me sick for 2 days after every injection.  At least it explains why I get sick soo often and why normal things like pneumonia turn life or death for me just a few hours after onset. That’s actually one of the things that hurts most…when he knows my chronic daily headaches go crazy and my Drs tell me to go to the ER….but with the exception of my last visit to the hospital a couple days ago….he usually fights me on  everything. He’s made me feel like a burden to him…and if he does go to the hospital…let’s just say he’s not very nice. Since his last med change he’s a lot better…but I can still hear it in his voice that he was annoyed with me, but, at least he went.

It’s strange talking about my husband when 1/2 of him is the sweetest guy I ever met…..like…EVER and the other times I think he hates me. I know he doesn’t mean what he’s saying, and almost never remembers it The next day. Problem is….I do.

I think instead of looking back….I’m going to look forward. The past can’t be changed…but the future, that’s what matters most. I refuse to give up now or ever. What matters most is I’m happy with my choice. I married the man of my dreams. Through sickness and health…I promised to be there. I believe in keeping promises. Most importantly, I plan on keeping HIM.

You’re my Always.

You’re my Forever.

You’re my everything.

You’re my only.

Always sweetheart.

It’s been awhile….again…

Where to start. Ugh…

I’m currently in the hospital where I’ve been for several days now. Looks like I have Meningitis again.  Oh joy.

To top it off…my hubby’s acting weird again, not in a bipolar way I think…but I’m not sure of anything right now. 

He says he hates hospitals and that’s why he’s never spent more than a few minutes here. So he hates hospitals…that I get…but in a private room just him, Michael and I…he can’t tough it out long enough to see me? I just don’t get. I’d do anything to see him. Anything. Throughout his bipolar manic rages…through all the bad things he’s done…I’d still do anything at all to see him.

I remember the days when he’d be just…mean…yet I stuck through it. I hated being screamed at…called horrible names…all in front of my Son which scared me even more…and now when I’m scared and need him he’s MIA….?  I just feel soo alone. 

The other day…when he brought Michael to see me…I hadn’t eaten all day and the kitchen was closed. Since all they have here is graham crackers…I asked if he’d go down a block or 2 from the hospital to get me something. He got mad and said that no…he wasn’t going to go anywhere. I asked if I met him downstairs so he didn’t have to come all the way back up…and then he got REALLY mad and told me to quit asking because he wasn’t going anywhere for me. That night I had a couple graham crackers…gave up and went to bed hungry.

Even just typing this…I still don’t understand. Does my husband hate me?

In his defense…when I asked him to get me something to eat (I came in late and cafeteria was closed) and he got mad and left…he saw a Starbucks downstairs and brought me a couple pastries. I was feelimg sick…so I needed real food…not sugary sweets.

I feel like him and I are backsliding. I have no idea what to do.